Tag Archives: creativity

I’ve never written an ode before but this may in fact be an ode to hiking

I’ve never been very good at the kind of meditation that requires an emptied mind, but on the trail, something like that happens to me. I walk, aware of the connection point: the soles of my boots and the trail itself, my footfalls and the curve of the earth rising up to meet them.

I stop worrying about my bank account, or the editor considering my piece for publication, or whether or not The Boy’s grades are good enough to get a scholarship. With each step, my jumpy, chattering brain quiets; the rough edges of my psyche grow smooth. I watch the trail disappear beneath my feet and at some point, my goals become only physical – climb to the next summit, the next bend, the next patch of shade.

It feels primal somehow, that place I go, unconnected to my daily life. Both the earth and I are ancient there, and language is different, made of breath and breeze, the wild and silent order of things. It’s all logic and poetry and science and soul, and if you asked me to explain it out there on the trail, I couldn’t.


“It’s different out here,” I’d say, and then I’d just laugh, abandoning all efforts to explain, looking around helplessly at the trees reaching up to the sky, filtering sunlight like stain glass windows, and then at the trail behind and before us, beckoning.

It may be that I love to hike because the trail is the only place in the world for me where being at a complete loss for words doesn’t cause some degree of panic.

My frantic ways

For quite a while, I’ve been wanting to write a post about pacing. Not the nervous, back and forth kind, but the kind that has to do with tempo, the rate at which we move and live and get things done.

A friend told me (diplomatically) that she admired my frantic ways, but she needed to move at a slower, more deliberate pace, with fewer people involved (meaning she had no intention of blogging her plans). We were on the subject because we’d been toying with a collaborative project and she had concerns about our different approaches. We decided to table the idea for the time being, but it got me thinking about how different we all are and how, despite what the experts might have you believe, there isn’t one right way to be.

Some of us want to play big, do more, commit to crazy deadlines so we know we’ll do the work. Others want to slow the hell down, breathe, focus on one major project at a time. Some of us are a little uncomfortable with stillness, while others are learning how to listen to it, lean into it, get quiet. And realistically, we’re probably all shifting between the two extremes all the time.

I’m going to write more posts on this because it interests me and because I think that all too often our stresses about pacing come less from ourselves than from our perception that others expect us to do more or less than we’re doing. We’re urged to think big, to take risks, to put our work out there and not let perfection be the enemy of done. But we’re also urged to take our time, be mindful, get quiet enough to hear our inner voice, focus on the journey. The truth is, whatever we feel we need to do for the sake of our careers or sanity, there’s always (a hugely successful, admirable) someone advising us to do the opposite.

It’s stressful. Or can be. Especially when you’re stretching yourself, trying a new art form, starting a new project or business or relationship. Figuring out what your most comfortable, optimal pace is feels critical to me. And powerful. And worthy of exploration in future posts.

In the meantime, I want to share a cool pacing trick I learned a few weeks ago during a conversation with my friend, Annika Martins (who is, conveniently, a kickass life-business coach). I was telling her that while I thrive on being busy, juggling multiple projects with multiple deadlines and having always a little more to do than feels manageable, I do periodically hit a wall. Overwhelm becomes panic, panic becomes burnout. I was asking her about time off, how often she thought I should take it, whether unplugging for a week each quarter seemed like too much to her, and she said, “I think you should take time off every day.”

I laughed. She wasn’t kidding.

She said I should set aside time every day that is absolutely just for me. “It might be 5 minutes or it might be 4 hours, but however long or short it is, that time is for you to fill however you want to.” I asked her, “What if I want to fill that time with work?” and she said, “The only rule is that it has to be a conscious decision, driven by nothing other than what you most want to do right now.” (Translation: I see your resistance, j, and I raise you my totally rational, inarguable logic.)

So I did it. That day, I read Yoga Journal for twenty minutes. The next day, I wrote about my childhood. The one after that, I planted padron pepper seeds in the backyard. Every day, I’ve done something in a block of time that is just for me, and I feel better, more grounded, less frustrated and, oddly, more productive.

I don’t think the important thing is how I fill the time, it’s how I go into it – fully conscious that it’s mine, that for 5 minutes, or 20 minutes, or an hour, I’m doing exactly what I want to do, no justification necessary.

It’s a tiny thing, really. So tiny and simple that I can’t imagine why I didn’t think of it on my own before this, but I didn’t. I wanted to share it in case you hadn’t thought of it either.

Got thoughts on pacing? A suggestion for my daily block of j-time? Sanity-saving tricks of your own? I’d love to hear them.

The AIS trick, that inspiring moment of abject terror, and the best thing to do with duct tape

I’m starting something new here, and I’m really excited about it. It’s called The Creativity Questions and my idea is this: I will periodically hypnotize invite kickass creatives (writers, musicians, artists, photographers) to answer five questions about the decidedly tawdry mating habits of fruit bats creativity. The questions will always be the same, but the answers, of course, will be different every time (and fun and funny and insightful and honest).

My first victim interviewee is short story author, novelist, and award-winning poet, Annie Neugebauer (@AnnieNeugebauer). Annie has work appearing or forthcoming in over two dozen venues, including The Spirit of Poe, Underneath the Juniper Tree, the British Fantasy Society journal Dark Horizons, and the National Federation of State Poetry Societies’ prize anthology Encore. She’s also a member of the Horror Writers Association, vice president of the Denton Poets’ Assembly, and president of the North Branch Writers’ Critique Group. You can visit her at www.AnnieNeugebauer.com for blogs, creative works, free organizational tools for writers, and more.

(Editor’s note: Annie is also wicked smart and very funny. Wait ’till you see.)

~~~~~

j: Life is demanding. What are your tricks for getting into a creative space?

Annie: At the risk of taking every last drop of romance out of writing, I am a big proponent (and pretty strict adherent) of daily word count goals. To borrow a phrase from the TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond,” I practice AIS – Ass In Seat – every single workday, five days a week.

That probably isn’t what you were hoping for, is it? But honestly, that really is my best trick for getting into the mood to create. I firmly believe that creativity is a muscle, and like any other muscle, it gets bigger and stronger with use, just like cardiac endurance. The more regularly you jog, the easier it is to jog the next time – and the further you can go. If you sit around waiting for the mood to go running to hit you, you might only do it once every few weeks. But if you make it a regular occurrence, committing to run whether you feel like it or not, you might just find that once you start, you get in the mood.

My point is that I don’t sit around and wait to feel creative. A muse – whether you believe in the concept of divine inspiration or just think it’s a cute way to describe your own brain function – can be trained to make a regular appearance. Some days I don’t think she’ll show up, but you’ll still find me AIS, typing away. Because even if I don’t *think* I feel creative, something unexpected might come out. What if I never sit down and try? This way, my “muse” knows where to meet me: at my desk, every single day, AIS.

j: What’s the weirdest thing that inspires you?

Annie: Well, when people hear I’m a poet and literary fiction writer, I think most of them probably assume I’m inspired by long walks in the woods, passionate lovemaking, the soft fur of a kitten’s belly, and global injustices. And don’t get me wrong; sometimes I do get inspired by those things.

But I’m also a horror writer. (Yes, even horror poetry.) And by far the weirdest thing that gets my creativity cranking is good old-fashioned terror. You know that moment when you’re alone in your house because your spouse or roommate is gone and you’re getting ready for bed? That strange sort of eeriness that you try to pretend you don’t notice? And you shut the bedroom door behind you so no one can come in after you, which is silly, but you tell yourself that’s not why you did it. But then you have to close your eyes to bend over the sink and wash your face. And there’s one moment, right after you stand up and towel off, when you open your eyes and look in the mirror and are almost sure someone will be standing right behind you.

That’s the moment I hope for. That feeling, like waking up from a nightmare, must be the weirdest thing that inspires me.

j: How do you deal with critics?

Annie: Two words: Voodoo dolls.

Just kidding. (Kind of.) In reality, I surround myself with supportive people. I regularly receive feedback, but I think learning to deal with critique is a whole different ballgame than learning to deal with criticism. Critique is invited and helpful, whereas criticism is uninvited and hurtful. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone criticize my actual work (at least not right to my face), although I do sometimes get snide remarks about my career choice. I’ve found, though, that people will generally use your own evaluation of yourself to guide theirs. So once I learned how to be confident and take pride in what I do, people began treating me accordingly.

The only outward critics I can think of are rejections. And although rejection is a necessary part of every writer’s life, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Rejections hurt like hell! What I’ve learned to do, though, is to see rejections as hierarchical instead of binary. A “no” isn’t just a “no.” It’s a sign-post telling me how close I am to acceptance. A form rejection might mean a project needs a lot of work. A personalized rejection might mean it only needs to find a more suitable home. And a personal note with recommendations and/or an explanation means I’m almost there. In short, I think of rejections as progress meters for my work, not an indication of personal value.

And when I feel down, I try to remind myself this: the fact that I’m getting rejections at all means that I’m actively putting myself out there, which is something to be proud of.

j: What energizes you, solitude or engagement?

Annie: Solitude, definitely. I’m one of those people who no matter how much fun I’m having or how much I love the people I’m with, I breathe a sigh of relief when they’re gone. Being alone too much probably isn’t good for anybody, but I also don’t think being constantly active and surrounded by other people’s energy is good either. Balance is important, and different for every person, but in general, I find myself more refreshed after a weekend of easy solitude than by a weekend of exciting activity. Both are great, but solitude has power. When there’s no one else there to make you think, you think about what’s really on your mind, and that leads to ideas and inspiration. I believe many people don’t spend enough time alone in a dark, quiet place.

j: Glitter, trash, and an endless supply of duct tape: What will you make?

Annie: I’m imagining some sort of industrial cat tower made of those empty carpet tubes and discarded pieces of scrap wood, duct-taped with the sticky side facing out and covered in glitter. Maybe then I’d eventually have sparkly cats. And really, at that point, I’d pretty much have achieved everything I’ve ever wanted out of life.

Making stuff

Love…

A poem

A painting

A promise

A beautiful love-filled mess

A donkey

A piece of art

A moment

A wish

A memory

Somebody’s whole damn day….
jjj

What will you make today?

jcw

Our crunchy stories

I can’t decide which post I want to write – the one about perfectionism, the one about getting naked, or the one about handling criticism. All three have been on my mind lately, rumbling around in my brain, writing themselves in my head when I’m driving, or in the shower, or on the phone so I can’t stop easily to get my thoughts down on paper.

All three are on my mind now too, so rather than tease one out and shape it into a post, let’s talk about all three. I think they’re related anyway, the undercurrents of a creative life.

… On perfectionism

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and on my way to the bathroom, I thought this: the Love Essays don’t have to be perfect, they have to be honest; they have to be true. It was a reassuring thought, but I had to let it to go because waking up in the middle of the night is a dicey proposition for me. If I let my brain get started on even the tiniest of things, there’s a good chance I won’t be able to coax it back to sleep. Thinking about all the times when my desire to write something dazzling and masterful has prevented me from writing anything at all is a sure way to be up all night.

I was able to go back to sleep by telling myself I didn’t need to write a post on the dangers of perfectionism. I could just show you Robin Black’s piece, “Writer’s Block: On The Persistence of Demons” because it’s all about the stultifying effects of wanting to write (be, live) perfect.

… On getting naked

In writing the Love Essays, I’m attempting a literary nakedness that is new to me. It’s not that I’ve never dug deep before; I have. But it’s different pouring myself into a fictional piece. Writing fiction is like dancing naked… but doing it under all my clothes so only I know. Writing openly about my own experiences… that’s more like pole dancing in a strip joint under a white-hot spotlight.

In her inspiring post for Writer Unboxed, author Robin LaFevers says:

In order to take our writing to the next level we must embrace our strange, unique, and often embarrassing selves and write about the things that really matter to us. We need to be willing to peel our own layers back until we reach that tender, raw, voiceless place—the place where our crunchiest stories come from.

I think that’s right. I spend a lot of time feeling jagged and uncertain these days, wondering as I write what to put in, what to leave out, certain I’ve nailed it one minute and then just as certain the next that I’ve fallen short. I think that’s okay. I think that’s how it feels to be in the “tender, raw, voiceless place.”

… On handling criticism

Here’s the thing about “the next level.” It’s scary. That’s why it’s called “the next level.” If it weren’t scary and challenging and occasionally nauseating, we’d call it something innocuous like, “right over there” or “just over yonder.” Let’s face it, taking your art (work, relationship, life) “just over yonder” is way less frightening than taking it to “the next level.”

The next level is scary and, by definition, unfamiliar. So when you get criticized there, told that you’re doing it wrong or that you are (as your demons have said) not good enough, it’s tempting to want to jump back to the level you know. But don’t. It’s not about your critics. It’s not about what other people think you should or shouldn’t do. It’s about you and your own unquestionable, unstoppable, dogged evolution… that especially crunchy story only you can tell.

(It’s true that I wrote that last part for me, but I’m leaving it in just in case you need to be reminded too. And if you’re feeling stung by a critic or critics, read this from Tara Sophia Mohr about the nature of feedback; it’ll make you feel better.)

Sister Helen Prejean’s a badass

Above my desk is this quote from Sister Helen Prejean: I watch what I do to see what I really believe.

It’s there to remind me that talk really is cheap, that getting where I want to be takes movement, being who I want to be takes action.

Yesterday, working on the (fearless) love essays, venturing into powerfully emotional, uncharted territory in myself, I kept forgetting about the details of the day. I was late to pick up The Boy (twice), late to make dinner, late to go to bed.  I forgot to return a phone call and a number of emails. I left most of my to-do list undone. I forgot today was a post day here on ZS.

On the other hand…

x
I believe I’m capable of creative badassery.

I believe love changes everything.

I believe the people who love you love your passion
even (especially) when it rules the day.

I believe words (like sticks and stones) can hurt me…
and heal and connect and transform me.

I believe we make time
for the things that truly matter to us,
which is why Sister Helen Prejean’s quote is so amazing,
so simple and scary and sharp
and true.

What do you believe; what will you DO today?

So create

“When you don’t create things, you become defined by your tastes rather than ability. Your tastes only narrow & exclude people. So create.” 
~ Why The Lucky Stiff

A friend shared this quote with me. It was tweeted by a guy who called himself “Why The Lucky Stiff.” I know. It’s quite an alias, and the guy was, apparently, quite a computer programmer (prolific writer, cartoonist, musician, artist). He’s very enigmatic and mysterious, and I spent way too much time learning about him and his virtual disappearance in August, 2009.

But this post isn’t about him. It’s about that quote, which has been rolling around in my head ever since I first read it. It feels very powerful to me, even though I’m not sure what Why meant when he wrote it.

Here’s my stab at it though…

Creatives need to create – to feel whole, to feel purposeful, to feel alive. Every writer I’ve ever known feels terrible when they aren’t writing. And maybe “terrible” isn’t even a strong enough word because I’m not sure it gets at the guilt, self-loathing and existential angst that writers who aren’t writing face every day. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that this is true of all artists. Painters need to paint, musicians need to play, dancers need to dance.

When we don’t, we must define ourselves by lesser things – our “tastes,” which are, by definition, narrow and exclusionary. For example, if I say that I loved, loved, loved the Twilight movies, I will find my tribe, no doubt, but I will also lose a bunch of people, because that’s how tastes work. We naturally align ourselves with like-minded beings and to some degree judge the ones that don’t share our preferences.

I sincerely believe the reaction would be different if I were to say that I made the Twilight movies. Even if you didn’t like them, you might be interested in how I got into making movies, what drew me to the Twilight project, what’s next on my obviously enormously exciting horizon.

If someone tells me that they read mystery novels, our discussion will be short. I don’t read mystery novels, and I can’t think of very much to say on the subject. On the other hand, if they say they write mystery novels, I’m suddenly full of interest. I want to know if they’ve been published, how many books they’ve written, how does one write a mystery – beginning to end, or the other way around. I’m interested in the process, the experience of being a mystery writer.

There is a certain excitement around the act of creation, almost no matter what is being created. “I made a film.” “I painted a portrait.” “I started a company.” I danced, acted, sewed, knitted, wrote, built, launched… I created. There is passion there, and it’s the passion as much as the achievement itself that is fascinating, big, inclusive.

Of course I’m not saying the reason to create is so that we can be more interesting at parties; that’s just a bonus. I’m saying (or I think Why was saying) that in the act of creation we expand ourselves. We give expression to our ideas and passions, and in bringing them into the world, we are able to connect with each other; in the words of Michael Chabon, “Every work of art is one half of a secret handshake, a challenge that seeks the password, a heliograph flashed from a tower window, an act of hopeless optimism in the service of bottomless longing.”

Yeah. It’s like that… so create.

I’d love to hear your take on the quote, if you like it or don’t, what you think it means.

(Important Note: I’ve never seen or read Twilight. I have no opinion.
Please don’t yell at me.)

How the pendulum swings

1.

I’ve written about the idea of balance before, usually work-life balance (as if they are separate entities). Lately I find myself contemplating (and by “contemplating,” I mean stressing over, discussing endlessly, writing about, and wrestling with) the balance between connection and solitude.

I love connection. I crave it. After having spent most of my adult life battling my (at times debilitating) shyness, I’ve spent the last few years ditching the shy girl, wading out into the currents of my life as if I believe I’m as fearless as I pretend to be. The funny thing about acting brave is that it forces you to be brave. It’s been an amazing, bruising, awkward and often embarrassing time for me. I never, ever want to go back.

And yet…

At the risk of beating a dead metaphor, I do sometimes feel caught up in the rapids of so many smart, creative, fascinating people doing smart, creative, fascinating things. The number of hours I have in a day never changes, and it seems no matter how careful I am with them, there is always (ALWAYS!) one more blog to read, one more person to meet with, one more worthy cause to embrace.

2.

I have two friends on opposite ends of the connection-solitude divide. One is absolutely connected, plugged in, aware. She works for a non-profit, keeps up with what’s going on in the world, reads an astounding number of blogs, essays, articles and books. She’s an involved mother of a teenager. She goes on walks with her husband every evening. I know she makes time for her friends because I’m one of them.

Feeling myself to be often on the ragged edge of overload, I asked her how she does it and it was as if I’d pulled off her superhero cape. “Seriously, j,” she said, “I’m losing my mind. Something’s gotta give.”

My other friend has some very internal work to do. He’s pulled away from all his connections. He has his (sound and soulful) reasons for doing that, but it’s left him feeling dislocated, adrift and out of touch. He’s staying clear of the yucky stuff – the big, bad, stressful stuff – it’s true, but he’s also missing out on the tiny, brave and beautiful things that make up the lives of the people he loves, or could love, if he were here among us to see them.

3.

The truth is, we humans need to feel both connectedness and solitude. Author Susan Cain says we “have two contradictory impulses: we love and need one another, yet we crave privacy and autonomy. “

To be our best, most loving and creative selves, we need both time to connect and time to be alone. Our connections on and offline offer us not only love and support, but new perspectives on familiar issues, new ideas, critical analysis. Solitude then gives us the chance to process all that newness, reject what doesn’t work, embrace what does, and then make the necessary adjustments to our world view.

I get inspired by the world outside my door, by people, by nature, by art, by my conversations, my debates, my everyday interactions. But I can’t create out there. In the words of super Zen genius Leo Babauta, “It’s only when we are alone that we can reach into ourselves and find truth, beauty, soul.”

4.

Although I often suspect it’s just a myth, or an experience (like orgasms) too blissful to stay in all the time, I still find myself searching for the balance point between connection and solitude. I set limits to how many emails I’ll respond to in a sitting, how long I’ll play on Twitter, how many news stories and blog posts I’ll read in a day. I try to be fiercely protective of my writing time.

But the reality is that I tend to swing from one extreme to another, from connection to solitude and back again. I struggle against my restless demons, feeling out of touch and a little antsy when I focus for days on a project, and guilty about the work that isn’t getting done when I’m busy connecting, meeting with people who fascinate or love or inspire me.

If there is such a thing as balance, maybe it’s just a matter of accepting how the pendulum swings. Maybe it’s less about divvying up perfectly the hours in a day, and more about embracing the mess of a fully lived life, where people get loved and work gets done and cool stuff gets made in fits and spurts, and it’s okay that it doesn’t happen neatly. It’s okay to feel, by turns, productive and then wildly irresponsible, focused and then utterly scattered. The well gets emptied and then it gets filled, and it’s okay that I spend so little time at the half way point… everything just so.

In fact, I’m beginning to understand that it’s more than okay.

Getting it up

The thing about creativity is that unless you make a living practicing your art, it’s easy to deprioritize it. (Note: WordPress is saying deprioritize isn’t a word, but I’m sticking to it because WordPress also says that WordPress isn’t a word.)

On the to-do list you might not even have had time to write today, “make something awesome” would likely fall somewhere near the bottom, after “drop off the kids-prescription-dry cleaning-car,” “write the report,” “attend the meeting,” “reassure the boss,” “pick up the the kids-prescription-dry cleaning-car,” “do the laundry” “pay the bills,” “cook, clean, cry, collapse.”

It’s a perfectly understandable, soul-killing decision to NOT make something awesome. But as day after day passes in this frenzied “I have no time for creative badassery” mode, the muscle that creates your art – your wicked imagination – atrophies. It gets harder and harder to get it up.

So to speak.

I don’t want that to happen to you (or me), so I made a list of five ways to sneak back up on our creative natures. These ideas are small, but powerful… like Altoids.

  1. Unplug.
    Even if only for a few minutes each day, unplug your phone, your computer, your TV, your radio, and every device you have that starts with a lower case “i.” Immerse yourself in your physical surroundings. If at all possible, get dirty.
    *
  2. Take a picture.
    I seriously think cameras are magical in their ability to change our perspectives. Don’t believe me? Look at Marcie Scudder’s rainy day, Jen Erbe’s birches, jb’s kitchen table, my picture of stillness…
    *

    And – bonus! – the “make something awesome” goal is built right into this one!
    *
  3. Do something out of character.
    Wear a kilt or a tutu (or, for me, something purple). Publicly display your affection, throw yourself a surprise party, tell someone in no uncertain terms that what they do makes your knees weak, your head spin, your throat dry… and even with all that, you hope they never, ever stop.
    *
  4. Play.
    Alone or with your lover, your crush, your best friend, your kid, your parents, a perfect (or not-so-perfect) stranger. Do something, anything. Just. For. Fun.
    *
  5. Fuck should.
    For a day, an afternoon, an amazing hour of precious freedom, don’t do anything just because you should.

It may be that the awesome thing you make… is you.

xo

I was here

I don’t want a life without regret.

There. I said it. I know there will be push back. I know it’s a popular phrase, “no regrets.” It’s a brand and a bumper sticker, in addition to being a big, badass thing people aspire to. I’ve heard people say, “I have no regrets,” and I wonder about them. I wonder how that’s possible.

What does it even mean to live a life without regrets? And why would anyone want to?

I’ve written on this topic before, clumsily, hitting all around what I’ve wanted to say, attempting to make a case for regret, just as I’ve made a case for the value of a broken heart. I’ve never quite found the words. But last week I watched Kathryn Schulz’s TED talk on regret and she said this…

Here’s the thing. If we have goals and dreams and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn’t to live without any regrets, the point is to not hate ourselves for having them… We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly; it reminds us that we know we can do better.

I’ll go one step further. Regret often reminds us of the risks we were willing to take – however ill-advised, however misguided. There is magic in that, in daring to be wrong, in caring about someone or something enough to be hurt, enough to be stupid. There is beauty in our awkward, floundering progress to become the people we aspire to be, our best selves.

But beauty (especially the imperfect, searching kind) and regret aren’t mutually exclusive.

If somehow you’ve managed to live a life where you never hurt someone you loved, where your own stupidity never caused damage or loss, then you’re lucky and amazing, but I have to wonder what kind of life have you lived, how engaged in the human process have you been?

I have regrets, little ones, and the big, ugly, gut-wrenching kind that I’m not brave enough to blog about; the kind that result from the actions I took, and the kind that are all about what I didn’t do, what I didn’t say, the moments of opportunity I let get by me.

My regrets don’t remind me that I’m imperfect; I’m painfully aware of that already. They remind me to pay attention. They’re like “I was here” signs painted indelibly in places I shouldn’t have been, places where I got hurt or hurt someone else, places that fucked me up but also taught me truths about myself and the world that I might not have learned any other way.

I don’t have, and don’t aspire to have, a life without regret. What I aspire to is a life so full of passion, creativity and daring that failures are as inevitable as successes, and a life so full of love for what I do and for the people who do it with me that I can’t help but feel the pain – and yes, sometimes the regret – of things going wrong.

Okay, your turn. Tell me about a life without regret. :)