Category Archives: on my mind…

What we mean when we talk about art

For a long time, I considered fiction my art. My essays, articles, interviews, book reviews and blog posts were something else. Writing, but not art.

Then I read a post by Tara Mohr. It was a great post that, unfortunately, I can’t find now, but it talked about how she left the corporate world to pursue “her art,” and it was clear that she was talking about everything she does now, all the writing, speaking and teaching women to play big and believe in themselves.

I remember being struck by the phrase. Tara’s book is called 10 Rules for Brilliant Women and while I think any book that attempts to teach women how to own (and wield) their brilliance is important and worthy… is it art?

Not long after reading Tara’s piece, I read this from Stephen Elliott in the Daily Rumpus. “We were talking yesterday about how there are artists in every medium,” he said. “You can be an artist and a cook, an artist and a small business owner.” He mused that the definition may lie in what you’re trying to do and why, whether you’re out for a paycheck or genuinely trying to create something good, something meaningful.

And then I read this from Seth Godin:

Art is a uniquely human endeavor, and act of genius. Art is what we do when we do something for the first time, do it uniquely, and do it to touch someone else. The generosity is built into the act. Painting might be art, pottery might be art, customer service might be art–but none of them are art if all you’re doing is commerce, or phoning it in, or following a manual or a map.

Art is where we expose ourselves, because in addition to being human, we really have no choice but to accept failure. And it’s failure (or the potential for failure) that creates art. When we talk about emulating the bodhisattva, we accept the risk that maybe we won’t touch anyone, won’t shed any light, won’t make a difference.

The only way to do art, real art, is to embrace that risk. To do less is to hide.

That is beautiful and rings true to me. In her most recent column, Sugar at the Rumpus said, “I’ve written [the Dear Sugar column] as a body of work in a way more akin to a novel or memoir than a years-long Q & A. There’s a beginning, middle and end.” I agree completely , and there is no doubt in my mind that what Sugar has created is art.

As my notion of what constitutes art changes and expands, I find myself contemplating other questions. Is everyone who blogs “a writer,” everyone who paints “an artist,” everyone who takes pictures “a photographer”? Do the titles mean anything objective? Should they?

I’m drawn to the idea of art being about more than the finished product. I like definitions that include intent and meaning. Is my reluctance to call everyone who writes poetry “a poet” reflexive, or do we owe it to the poets who have studied and read and honed their craft not to place just anyone in their ranks?

What do you think? What constitutes art to you?

~~~~~

Some odds and ends…

First of all, I can’t thank you enough for your support and comments and enthusiasm over the launch of A Human Thing. If I’d scripted the day myself, I would not have written it as wonderful as you all made it. My gratitude knows no bounds.

If you haven’t actually watched the video I made, I hope you will. I’m proud of it, and it was, like everything on the new site, a collaboration. Lots of talent and love went into its making.

Finally, my review of Deborah Jiang Stein’s new memoir, Even Tough Girls Wear Tutus, is up at Used Furniture Review. Go see!

xo

Blast off!

Heart art by the ginormously talented Pam Carlson

It’s Launch Day! Come play with me at the new site,  A Human Thing! I’ll be back here with a Zebra Sounds post on Thursday, and then every Thursday from here on out.

I’ll post at A Human Thing on Mondays. (Hint: If you subscribe to both blogs, you don’t have to remember my schedule. And I’ll love you forever. And an angel will get its wings.)

xo

Three things (or 13, depending on how you count)

First of all, I want to thank you all for your response to my birthday post. I’d been so focused on writing something worthy of Alenka myself that I hadn’t realized just how much I wanted all of you to write her letters too. That is until you said you would, one after another, and gratitude swept through me like a crazy, big heart-swelling-tear-bearing tsunami.

It was my only wish and, thanks to you, it was, without doubt, my best birthday ever. I love you guys!

~~~~~~~~~~

Second, I’ve decided to make Christmas gifts for my family this year. I’ve picked four DIY projects that involve all manner of crafty shenanigans (and mysterious supplies that I’ve had to Google because the instructions assume a level of competency I utterly lack).

I have a week till Christmas, and two weeks till January and the launch of the new love project site, complete with a welcome video that Dillon is helping me put together (so, you know it’ll be good; he’s a professional). Given the time crunch and my fragile hold on sanity, I’m going to forgo the Thursday posts for the rest of December. Then in January, I’ll announce the new post schedule and probably show you pictures of my superhero-y craft adventures, and all will be right in ZS land!

What could possibly go wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~

Third…

For the past three years, every December, I make a list of what I believe. There is something very grounding for me in standing at the end of a year, having learned whatever I learned, thinking through exactly what it is I believe in.

Here’s my list, standing near the end of 2011…

  1. We are all connected. We hold each others’ hearts in our hands. Love should be our default position.
  2. We are also all capable of magic. It is important to perform some every day.
  3. Action is king. Dreaming and thinking and analyzing are good – even necessary to a point – but your life (your title, your heart, your surroundings, your point of view) changes only when you take a step. And then another. And then another.
  4. And while we’re on the subject, I know sometimes baby steps are all we can manage, and that’s okay. But every now and then, you need to trust your heart, even when you’re unsure and that scared little voice in your head says don’t move… Move. In fact, take a deep breath, cut that little voice off mid-objection, and just fucking leap.
  5. And speaking of that negative, fearful, mean little voice in your head, it belongs to a crazy person. Don’t listen to it.
  6. The quickest, easiest way to produce something beautiful and lasting is to risk making something horrible and crappy. (Stolen unapologetically from Chris Baty, NaNoWriMo founder.)
  7. Creativity itself is an act of faith.
  8. Balance is overrated. If your goal is to be a force in the world, to live a life of service and meaning and big, fearless love, there will be flight, but there will also be some flailing, some falling, some unbelievably stressful crunch times. There will be imbalance. It’s okay. It just means you’re alive.
  9. There is power in letting go; it allows for evolution.
  10. People are surprising. It’s best to learn to love surprises.

Your turn. What do you believe?

I was here

I don’t want a life without regret.

There. I said it. I know there will be push back. I know it’s a popular phrase, “no regrets.” It’s a brand and a bumper sticker, in addition to being a big, badass thing people aspire to. I’ve heard people say, “I have no regrets,” and I wonder about them. I wonder how that’s possible.

What does it even mean to live a life without regrets? And why would anyone want to?

I’ve written on this topic before, clumsily, hitting all around what I’ve wanted to say, attempting to make a case for regret, just as I’ve made a case for the value of a broken heart. I’ve never quite found the words. But last week I watched Kathryn Schulz’s TED talk on regret and she said this…

Here’s the thing. If we have goals and dreams and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or lose them, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn’t to live without any regrets, the point is to not hate ourselves for having them… We need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things that we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly; it reminds us that we know we can do better.

I’ll go one step further. Regret often reminds us of the risks we were willing to take – however ill-advised, however misguided. There is magic in that, in daring to be wrong, in caring about someone or something enough to be hurt, enough to be stupid. There is beauty in our awkward, floundering progress to become the people we aspire to be, our best selves.

But beauty (especially the imperfect, searching kind) and regret aren’t mutually exclusive.

If somehow you’ve managed to live a life where you never hurt someone you loved, where your own stupidity never caused damage or loss, then you’re lucky and amazing, but I have to wonder what kind of life have you lived, how engaged in the human process have you been?

I have regrets, little ones, and the big, ugly, gut-wrenching kind that I’m not brave enough to blog about; the kind that result from the actions I took, and the kind that are all about what I didn’t do, what I didn’t say, the moments of opportunity I let get by me.

My regrets don’t remind me that I’m imperfect; I’m painfully aware of that already. They remind me to pay attention. They’re like “I was here” signs painted indelibly in places I shouldn’t have been, places where I got hurt or hurt someone else, places that fucked me up but also taught me truths about myself and the world that I might not have learned any other way.

I don’t have, and don’t aspire to have, a life without regret. What I aspire to is a life so full of passion, creativity and daring that failures are as inevitable as successes, and a life so full of love for what I do and for the people who do it with me that I can’t help but feel the pain – and yes, sometimes the regret – of things going wrong.

Okay, your turn. Tell me about a life without regret. :)

You can almost unwrap this one

So, as you know, I’m building a new website for the love project. In my head, it’s gorgeous and inviting and provocative, one part sanctuary, one part celebration, one part “vibrant, proudly imperfect site of fierce inclusivity.”

I wrote that in my notes. I’ve written a lot of notes because, as it turns out, learning self-hosted WordPress and site design principles,  FTP, HTML and CSS, social network and mail service interfaces, and all the other critical site-building things I didn’t know I didn’t know, is only about half of the work I’ve had to do. The other half has been about getting clear with myself what my purpose is (and isn’t) and what exactly I mean when I talk about fearless love.

Here’s a picture I took of my desk this morning when I sat down to write this post. I thought of taking the picture because in the midst of all those papers, off to the side, was my green Love Project notebook (which you can just see) and on top of that, my camera… two things I’ve been carrying around religiously for a year.

I’m really excited and nervous about the new site. I feel as if I’m wrapping the biggest present I can give, and I’m hoping you’ll love it. But it’s not exactly like that. I think the new site will be OUR site. So much of what I have in store is collaborative and experimental and holy-shit-I’ve-never-done-anything-like-this- before. I’m hoping we’ll build something amazing and unique… and fearless. Together.

I have faith in us.

~~~~~~~~~~

And, I have stuff to share with you!

First, Hannah Brencher is a beautiful, stunning force to be reckoned with. Fortunately, she’s all about love and building a better world, so “reckoning” with her is really enjoyable. A week and a half ago, she rocked my bloggy world with this. “Lady Gaga, she was born this way. Me? I was born for this.”

About a month ago, she asked me to participate in her December letter-writing project. It’s called The 12 Days of Love Letter Writing. If, in this month of crazy go-go-go activity, you’d like to pause, breathe, connect meaningfully with someone who needs your support, this is your project.

We’re on Day 4 of 12 right now. You can join in any time. Read the stories of the recipients each day on Hannah’s blog, write what you are moved to write in support of them. On December 15th, I’ll share the letter I’m writing now to one of Hannah’s 12 beautiful recipients. I’ve been working on it for two days; it’s one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. Yesterday I cried. I’m so grateful to Hannah for asking me to do this.

~~~~~

On a lighter note, I had so much fun being interviewed by David Cohen, host of the Blog Talk Radio show, “Be A Beacon.” We talked for half an hour about writing, success, art and – of course – love.

My best friend, jb, and I have a tiny blog called A Month Of Sundays, where each week we exchange snapshots of our lives. I’m sharing it here because I absolutely loved her last entry. You will too. Go see.

I went for a walk and took pictures for you. They’re posted here.

~~~~~

I have nothing to do with these incredible pictures, but I LOVE them.

xo

An unwieldy post

I know it’s jolly and decorated and comes with happy sing-along music, but December is always a little weird for me. I’m one of those people who stands at the end of each year looking back. Did I achieve what I hoped to achieve, did I do some new stuff, some big stuff, some scary stuff? Did I write enough? Read enough? Pay enough attention to my relationships, my workouts, my skittery inner workings, my world?

I think a lot of people do this, evaluate the year that has passed, but my anal annual habit of taking stock always carries with it an underlying sense of urgency. I think it’s because my birthday is in December, and so there’s the whole aging thing, that sense of having only so much time to finish the 79 things I want to do before I die (which of course is only a fraction of what I want to do because it doesn’t include the everyday things that sustain me, like yoga in the morning and writing brave, doodling, stargazing, petting dogs, holding hands, making love, hiking trails…)

In December I always feel a little tangled up inside. Caught in my compulsive past-future analysis, both pride and disappointment are inevitable, so are hope, and fear, and wild optimism. So are the many handwritten pages I will fill trying to sort through the perfectly imperfect mess that is me.

Add to that this year, the love project.

Which reminds me… in the comment thread of my last post, Meg noted that it was the “start to the end of the 2011 Love Project,” and I felt a pang of sadness and worry, like when someone dear moves far away and you tell yourself, “Relax, it’s not like they’re dead,” but you also know, in your heart of hearts, it is a little bit like that. There will be, even with all the high-tech ways we have to keep in touch, a glaring, physical absence in the space they used to fill.

It’s the start of the end of the 2011 Love Project, and even though I’m excited by what’s to come, I’ll miss this. The Love Project has changed me. I’ll write more about that later this month, but it reminds me… I never really wrote a “here’s what happened in November, the month of giving” post. Oops! You can read my summary here.

And that reminds me… I need to formally announce December as the month of volunteering. I’m happy to say that the first three organizations I checked into are so full of volunteers, they don’t need additional help. I think that’s a good thing, but it does add to my December discombobulation.

Which reminds me… I did say yes to one beautiful, big-hearted volunteer request. I’ll tell you all about (in the hopes that you’ll join me) on December 15th…

You’ll be happy to know that that doesn’t remind me of anything except how unwieldy a post can get if the writer surrenders to each new thought like a dog rolling over for a belly rub. I should delete the last few paragraphs and regrasp the (admittedly tenuous) narrative thread I’d established in the opening lines, but I won’t. This post is an outward indication of my scattered, jumpy, harried, ambivalent, inner state.

I’ll be fine, don’t worry; it’s just December.

Tell me about December for you.

A dozen different versions of me

I’m becoming a fan of “the pause.” Between notes and pages and words and breaths, between thought and voice, between action and reaction. In that momentary stillness, in that space between before and after, there is possibility, a  myriad of paths that can be taken, a dozen different versions of me.

I’m not good at the pause. That’s what I’ve realized about myself. I tend to rush through it. I get excited, or angry, or nervous, or restless, and I erase the pause, just like that, and only later do I think of it, often with such yearning.

“If only” thoughts are some of the hardest thoughts of all.

I’m sorry for the pauses I’ve missed, the times when I could have stepped into that stillness, breathed, found the best part of me, uttered something different than the thing I did say, caught up as I was in the heat of the moment. I’m sorry for the times I rushed through it, that chance to be more thoughtful, more receptive, more giving. I’m sorry for the people I may have bowled over in my exuberance or anger, the ones who were maybe only pausing themselves, in search of a path, a better version of themselves.

I’m late but I’m learning, and I can spot them now, the pauses between things, the opportunity to get quiet, to still everything else, if only for a few seconds, and  just activate my heart.

The conversation

“You’ve been walking the ocean’s edge,
holding up your robes to keep them dry.
You must dive naked under,
and deeper under, a thousand times deeper.”
~ Rumi

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. As my year of loving fearlessly comes to an end, I’ve been thinking about what comes next. I’ve known for a while that I wasn’t through, that this has become more than a year-long project for me, that this quest to live a life of fearless love is fundamental somehow; it lies at the core of who I am.

In January, I’ll launch a new website (she says, confidently, despite having just inserted html code that was supposed to add a widget but instead rearranged everything on the home page except the header). I’ve been thinking hard about what the new site will look like (and, consequently, what Zebra Sounds will look like once the new site is up).

Here’s what I know for sure. I’m ready to get serious. In the comment thread of Friday’s post (a post I wrote because I needed to, because a message sent to me innocently touched on something raw), Patricia wrote, “You are writing / musing on a truer aspect of the core of love then you have for a bit…”

I knew just what she meant. in response, I wrote this…

This year has been so transformative. I’ve never been more naked, more open, more awed (and sometimes hurt) by the world. But I’ve been feeling the pull lately to go much deeper in my writing on the subject of love, beyond the hugs and the sweet gestures and the mindful kindness (which are all important), to the real, complicated, hard-to-articulate, harder-to-answer questions. Your comment makes me know there will be people who want to go there with me.

So that’s where we’re headed. Into what I hope are very honest, very searching, very hopeful and occasionally white-knuckled conversations about love and what it means to attempt a life of openhearted fearlessness. On the new site, I want to talk about vulnerability, fear, intimacy, self-love, truth, global love. I want to explore the intersection between love and art. I want to collect love stories and share them because I think there is power in the permission, acceptance and light that comes from sharing our stories with each other.

Here, in Zebra Sounds, I’ll be talking more about creativity, writing, finding north, and things you might not know.

<Shameless plea for readers> In the beginning, I’ll only be publishing once a week on each blog, so I won’t be overwhelming you with posts. I’m hoping you’ll all follow me in both places. </shameless plea>

(That was a little html humor… which I promise not to do anymore…  in either place… truly, I promise.)

Over the weekend, I participated in an event, which included a visit from Brene Brown. I didn’t write down all of what she said, but I did write down this because it’s true for me too. “At the heart of this work is the conversation.”

Absolutely. I’d love to hear what you think, what you’d like to talk about here and on the new site.

~~~~~~~~~~

p.s. I’m off schedule. My inadvertent post on Friday has me slightly discombobulated. How about we meet back here this Friday for some good old-fashioned shenanigans, and then next week, I’ll get back on track.

xo

The (real) worst thing

I was talking to a writer on Twitter, an amazingly talented writer who regularly blows me away with the power and clarity of her essays and the emotional precision of her stories. She told me that her parents don’t take her writing seriously. I know another writer who never told her husband when she decided to write a book. She didn’t tell him when she finished it either. Or when she landed her agent.

Sometimes chasing a dream, throwing your best, most creative self at something that doesn’t net you a regular paycheck, a positive performance review or a set of fancy business cards is lonely work. The people you normally depend on for emotional support and encouragement fall short; they don’t know what to say or how to say it. Maybe they don’t even understand what drives you.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about this, telling her about how I sometimes get discouraged by the attention my writing doesn’t get from people I love or admire. I think it’s common for creatives to feel that way because so much of our work isn’t compensated, and the only measure we have that it’s good or impactful is the number of views we get, the comments or mentions, an editor’s decision to publish our piece.

In the end, I told her, you have to write (or paint, or take pictures, or perform, or make jewelry, or sculpt) because it’s where your passion lies, because it’s the thing you can’t not do, and because deep down inside, no matter what people say (or don’t say), you believe your work is meaningful.

Self-validation is a skill, one I’m only beginning to master (and by master I mean, most of the time, I can keep writing, not let the doubt and uncertainty swallow me whole). And when I’m feeling the aloneness of it, the disconnect between the fervor and faith inherent in my creative process and the sometimes unnervingly quiet response, I’m learning how to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I write myself through it. My journal is full of pages that start out as angsty artist rambling and end up as pep talks. Sometimes I grab my camera and go someplace pretty, or find a trail and let the rhythm of my feet align my insides. In the best of times, I tackle the next new thing, because I know that’s what creatives do. It’s the thing they can’t not do, and the only thing worse than failing (or being ignored) is not having created anything at all.

Life (love, soul and cheesecake) by me

One of the most popular pieces on the New York Times website this past week was a “A Sister’s Eulogy for Steve Jobs.” It’s beautiful, full of poetry and love. You should definitely read it, but there was one line in particular that reached out and grabbed me by the heart…

He was willing to be misunderstood.

I’d been reading the piece aloud to someone else and that line stopped me. It was as if I’d been tapped with a tuning fork and for a few sweet seconds, my insides hummed with clarity, a pure and precise tone. I read the line two more times before moving on.

There is such power in that willingness, I think, both in art and in life. Being willing to be misunderstood means that you are willing to speak your truth, willing to stand your ground, to brush up against the edges and beyond what people expect. Of course that’s the hallmark of innovation, that willingness to challenge, to be different, but I think it’s also the secret to real communication.

A willingness to be misunderstood reflects a strong sense of self, a certain kind of fearlessness that paradoxically leaves you vulnerable. Whether the subject is something big, like politics or faith or global warming, or something much more intimate, like the particular topography of a lover’s heart, that willingness to be real, to say what is true even at the risk of being misunderstood is, I believe, the first step (on the only path) to being truly understood.

~~~~~~~~~~

According to the big fat Love Project master plan, November is the month of gifts. I don’t know what I was thinking it would look like back in January when I decided to do it, but now I think it’s about being present and responding with heart. No doubt that means more letters and cards and hugs, more moments of undivided attention, more reaching out or reaching back, more doodles and (strange, unidentifiable, slightly scary) crafts by j. And cheesecake. Someone’s getting cheesecake in November. Count on it.

~~~~~~~~~~

In case you missed it, “A Waltz,” Pickled Amygdala’s first big film project (and my first script), is ready for post production. The new pitch video is up at KickStarter. If you can donate, every dollar helps, but even if you can’t, go watch. Dillon and the boys are hilarious, I make a (speaking!) cameo appearance, and the clips from the actual film are gorgeous.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am a big, big fan of  Life By Me, a website that invites lots of people to answer one question: What is most meaningful to you? They’ve asked “world leaders, Nobel Peace Prize recipients, moms, fishermen, teenagers, designers, prison inmates, media moguls…” and now me. I’m honored (and ridiculously stoked) to share my answer, which is, of course, all about love.

(Thanks to all of you who commented over there. You’re the best!)