I know it’s jolly and decorated and comes with happy sing-along music, but December is always a little weird for me. I’m one of those people who stands at the end of each year looking back. Did I achieve what I hoped to achieve, did I do some new stuff, some big stuff, some scary stuff? Did I write enough? Read enough? Pay enough attention to my relationships, my workouts, my skittery inner workings, my world?
I think a lot of people do this, evaluate the year that has passed, but my anal annual habit of taking stock always carries with it an underlying sense of urgency. I think it’s because my birthday is in December, and so there’s the whole aging thing, that sense of having only so much time to finish the 79 things I want to do before I die (which of course is only a fraction of what I want to do because it doesn’t include the everyday things that sustain me, like yoga in the morning and writing brave, doodling, stargazing, petting dogs, holding hands, making love, hiking trails…)
In December I always feel a little tangled up inside. Caught in my compulsive past-future analysis, both pride and disappointment are inevitable, so are hope, and fear, and wild optimism. So are the many handwritten pages I will fill trying to sort through the perfectly imperfect mess that is me.
Add to that this year, the love project.
Which reminds me… in the comment thread of my last post, Meg noted that it was the “start to the end of the 2011 Love Project,” and I felt a pang of sadness and worry, like when someone dear moves far away and you tell yourself, “Relax, it’s not like they’re dead,” but you also know, in your heart of hearts, it is a little bit like that. There will be, even with all the high-tech ways we have to keep in touch, a glaring, physical absence in the space they used to fill.
It’s the start of the end of the 2011 Love Project, and even though I’m excited by what’s to come, I’ll miss this. The Love Project has changed me. I’ll write more about that later this month, but it reminds me… I never really wrote a “here’s what happened in November, the month of giving” post. Oops! You can read my summary here.
And that reminds me… I need to formally announce December as the month of volunteering. I’m happy to say that the first three organizations I checked into are so full of volunteers, they don’t need additional help. I think that’s a good thing, but it does add to my December discombobulation.
Which reminds me… I did say yes to one beautiful, big-hearted volunteer request. I’ll tell you all about (in the hopes that you’ll join me) on December 15th…
You’ll be happy to know that that doesn’t remind me of anything except how unwieldy a post can get if the writer surrenders to each new thought like a dog rolling over for a belly rub. I should delete the last few paragraphs and regrasp the (admittedly tenuous) narrative thread I’d established in the opening lines, but I won’t. This post is an outward indication of my scattered, jumpy, harried, ambivalent, inner state.
I’ll be fine, don’t worry; it’s just December.
Tell me about December for you.
Runaway
Wow… December… you know, I could spend December lamenting on all that was supposed to be done, but I can say that I made a little progress on some of my projects. At least I am a little (definitely a little) closer to completing them, so I will call that progress, and let it propel me into 2012.
for me, this December is a bit scary, as I was ushered into it with a need to address the obvious, to make decisions that I have been hoping would make themselves, and to be committed to being different in the coming days. It’s hard, but necessary. I don’t know what it will end up looking like, or even if I will find the TPM that I had known years ago. I may find someone that I don’t know, and have to get used to. Still, I find it to be the path I am on.
Thanks for the love project, and everything else. I’ve learned and experienced a lot through it, learned how much I don’t know, and have gotten the courage to love differently, in a good way. It truly has been a year of new experiences for me, and slowly, I’m learning to live in all aspects of me, not just in the expected areas.
Hmmm, didn’t expect all of that, but I guess it is at the forefront of my thinking… anyway, I’m looking forward to your volunteer announcement, and everything else that comes from J being J…
Ah, thanks, TPM! I’m getting to sort of like that scary place you find yourself in, when you’re questioning assumptions that maybe should have been questioned long ago, and (however unexpectedly) forging a new path. It’s scary, but it’s also amazing and evolutionary.
I’m glad you shared. And I’ll be right there with you in the unfamiliar territory that is 2012. xo
Wowza! I am the j love project party pooper – Yes, that’s right the one who said, “…the start of the end…” and I won’t belabor it. I had no idea that would cause a pang, but I am glad you found your voice there. Actually this love project has taken my breath away! I can’t wait to see what you are up to in 2012 but…I have to say that we met a little over a year ago. You gave me so much love, so much loving support that well, no…my eyes are welling up…your words have been treasures for me. Anyway, outside of time and space (which is where I spend a lot of time, hence not a lot of completed projects) but, I really feel I have known you forever, and I will know you forever. So, in other words, I just love you, this whole project, the Pajama man and all your friends, and well, Thank You. Let’s make a toast to the beginning of the end of things, and in that let us find a pause…and January will come…without a doubt. Oh and one more thing. In Japan, even if you volunteer, they pay you anyway. It really is grand!
Haha! That made me laugh. I’ll be right over!
Thank you so much for this, Meg. Your comment reminds me of one of my favorite Fight Club lines, “You met me at a very strange time in my life.” I actually have few regrets about this year, and one of the best things about it has been the community that has sprung up here at ZS. It’s not easy to locate badass earnest hippie love warriors, but I did it. You all make my life better and brighter.
So, thank you right back, Meg. And, for the record, I liked the pang. If I’d felt nothing, one would have to wonder what the hell I’ve been doing all year! xo
Lovely post, j. I’m glad you didn’t try to corral it into something wieldy. :~)
I don’t know that I’m any particular thing in the month of December. We’re not big holiday people, so I usually feel a little annoyed with how overblown things get, but the small things we do to mark the season are chosen because we enjoy them. So there’s that pleasure. On the other hand, we live far from family and would need substantial airfare money to . . . well, I can’t even finish that thought.
Last year I tried the thing of dissecting my year and planning a better one but it sent me into such a tailspin it took me months to regain my footing. I’m planning to keep things simple this year and not try to probe my own depths too deeply in the name of a New Year coming. I’ve taken up a Zumba dance class and water aerobics and I think that’s a fine way to end my year. :~)
I’ve heard nothing but good things about Zumba. Working up a sweat while shaking your groove thing is almost always a good plan.
I really like this: “the small things we do to mark the season are chosen because we enjoy them.” That’s a beautiful thought, and one I’m going to try to hold close. i do think the dark underbelly of the holiday season is how full it is of expectation and obligation, how much of what happens happens because it’s “supposed to” or in the name of not letting anyone down.
I love the idea of marking the season with small, chosen things. In fact, I think that will be my guiding principle for this month. Thank you, Milli.
Here’s my first Picasa album for Estrella’s Seasonal Photo Challenge that shows some of our small, simple things. (Sorry about the long, ugly link. I hope it will be clickable.)
https://picasaweb.google.com/116286563999535151652/EstrellaSSeasonalPhotoChallenge12411?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCOysid-T9Oa5gQE&feat=directlink
It works. The pictures are great! Makes me want to a) get my act together and get our tree and mantle stuff up – I do this every year, and b) get out and start taking pictures for Milliver’s Travels! Thank you so much for sharing.
I love December!!! Festive, beautiful, a little time off work — what’s not to love?
I tend not to worry about what I didn’t accomplish that I wanted during the year; there will always be some things we didn’t get to. Instead, I celebrate the things I did and find myself with great enthusiasm for the coming year. Every day is a good day for a fresh start, but there’s nothing like a new year.
That is a very healthy attitude. I love December too. Doesn’t everyone love their birthday month? And I do intend to celebrate the things I did. There may even be champagne. ;)
I have a good feeling about that December 15th post :)
December’s always been hard/weird for me, too. Probably for similar reasons, the over-analyzer in me that looks and looks for some definite goals for next year and feels like she forgot, sometime in June or May or August, what she wanted back in January. It’s also the time when I lost someone extremely close to me, and every year I find myself back at that moment, thinking how much has changed.
I know that you know that it always works out, so I don’t want to sound like a repeat of that, but you’ve done so much for yourself and the world and all of us, so no matter what January and beyond holds, this year was wonderful.
I have a good feeling about the 15th too.
I think December is a weird month for a lot of people precisely because it is supposed to be so happy. Tragedy happens in December just like it does every other month, so there’s a disconnect – that uncomfortable gap between any sadness (loneliness, grief, confusion) we may be filling and all the sparkly trappings of the season.
Follow the love. Maybe more closely at this time of year than any other.
And let me say here, for anyone who scrolls through my comment thread, your most recent posts have been wonderful. I’ve loved them.
Well I do love december but I am bias about it I was born in it… my year end every dec 8… for a couple years I dreaded it only because my mom died 3 days before my birthday… which happens to be today… but now it reminds me to thank her and spend the last few days of my year contemplating what joys I had this year….did I enjoy it? did I make myself and those around me happy? did I do the things I wanted to do this year? and if I had to leave right this minute would it be ok? all questions are Yes ! no worries about that last one.. I have no plans on going anywhere there is WAY too many more things I want to do, experience, enjoy, create, give, and live
and as for the whole Christmas thing.. well my oldest sister who single handedly creates the home where Christmas lives and dwells taught me a very good lesson… it is the time of year to celebrate , to come together, to share in each others joy.
and my clients have taught me how to graciously accept praise & presents
without feeling weird.
and to you who offers her heart & love daily .. thanks for you wonderful inspiration
love ya
June
I loved reading this comment! It’s so full of light, I’m squinting. Thank you, June. You are truly a joy.
“…if the writer surrenders to each new thought like a dog rolling over for a belly rub” HEE. Love.
Ah December. Along with Hanukkah and Christmas (since we’re blended), we also have 4 (!) family birthdays (mine included *fist bump*), and the endless holiday celebrations for both of the kid’s schools…it’s madness over here.
Wow! Are you including extended family or is everyone in your house born in December? I remember the endless school celebrations. I don’t miss them, cute as they are. *hug*
Oh my lovely love filled friend. I can hear the angst in your post. So much to do, so little time. The love Project may be ending, but you yourself already know you are going to be doing bigger and EVEN more love filled things come 2012. I too am faced with the upcoming END to The Year of Hugging Fearlessly and I well up in tears every time. I don’t want it to end. I want it to be forever. How will I live w/o my hugs everyday. Will people continue to be as generous and as giving as they have this year. Who will be my 1000th hug? Oh man. It’s a lot to take in. And having said that, there is always a lot to do in December. It’s unavoidable. It’s like we have to fit in all the things we meant to do all year, into 31 days and it doesn’t happen. I want to fall in love this year. Remember? For me as well, the YEAR of loving fearlessly. Only I didn’t love fearlessly. Well, not the way I had intended. I was too scared to. But will I be able to fit that into the next 26 days? Not likely. But you never know. December for me, is about being grateful. I start a gratitude list of all the things I am grateful for from the year..and usually by New Years Eve I am ready to head out, complete with what the year has been and ready to create the new one. Never regretting all the things I didn’t do, or didn’t get to, or wish I had. For all the things you have done this year, for all the differences you have made (yes, it works in that sentence), for all the awesome you have shared, I can’t let you now negate it all smply by focusing on what you haven’t yet done. I may have to wait until January to kick your butt…but I will. I promise you. xoxo
You don’t have to. I’m have some regrets and disappointments, but overall, 2011 was fucking amazing. I can’t stop myself from doing the “how can I do better” thing, it’s in my DNA, but I am bowled over by all that we’ve done here, all that the year ahead has in store. No worries!
You didn’t “fall in love” fearlessly this year, but I would argue that it may be less about being scared, and more about being authentic. You didn’t call something love that wasn’t, you didn’t sell yourself short and settle on someone because someone is better than no one (a maxim I wholly disagree with on all kinds of levels), and you didn’t let dreams of romance get in the way of your making real, meaningful connections with friends and strangers alike.
I think you were amazing, as do all the people you hugged.
Maybe in January, we’ll come up with a new yearlong project for you. Something big and vibrant and gutsy, just like you.
yes please. i am looking for a new project, something that will blow my own socks off. so let’s brain storm when we get together. i bet between the 2 of us, we’ll come up with something that will blow both our minds. xo
I will start musing immediately!
We’re a lot alike except I have anxiety over my reflections while you have style and grace.
December witha blended family is stressful. You have 8 parts of family that wants to be satisfied with attendance. It just doesn’t work out.
For the year, I always take inventory of what I accomplished, the mistakes I made, how I can be better, and what I want to do to have a better 2012.
What I write in December is more personal. It’s like Alanis Morisette list songs with more anger and less India.
Well, if it’s any consolation, I think the boys that live here would argue with the style and grace part.
And you’re hitting on just what I don’t like about this season. I wish it were less about making sure no one’s feelings get hurt and all the families get equal time, and more about love and connection (of the relatively stress-free sort). I know that’s not how it works, I just wish.
I like your personal posts. That’ll be one of my new favorite December facts.
Scattered, jumpy, harried, ambivalent, brilliant, loving, beautiful, deep, giving, overflowing with goodness YOU. I adore every single itty bitty bit.
You are precious in your fullness, my friend. <3
You make me happy. All. The. Time. <3
Because I know that you have so much time on your hands (rolls eyes, but with love), if you really need a volunteer task, try the Amnesty Write for Rights project . You have five days… :)
Loved your blog radio appearance on the Be Beacon Show, by the by. So much j-voice! As amazing as this year has been, watching you be you through ZS, I can;t wait to see where all of this goes – and where it takes you – next year.
Also, I love the stream of consciousness mode. I know, you’re shocked.
Thank you for the Write for Rights project info, Michael! I’m signed up. (You’re so influential.)
Thank you for listening to me. It was fun. I wasn’t smooth (or even always articulate), but I did speak from the heart. Hopefully that came through.
I love stream of consciousness posts too. Why don’t you write me a post to read in your spare time (rolls eyes, but with love). ;)
Though I put in years working in retail, then worked in the box office at a venue that had three (3!) Xmas ballets, I love the holiday season. (Actually, I’m partly elf.)
I understand that there can be mixed feelings. My dad’s first wife left him flat at Xmas time, and he carried some of that heartbreak with him for the rest of his life, while still enjoying the holidays with us.
I alternate between self-indulgence and being hard on myself throughout the year, so my December isn’t notable for either. :p
Happy happy birthday month! When am I taking you to lunch?
Oooo! Don’t have to invite me twice, girlfriend! I will launch date negotiations in email today. (Yay!)
Hmmm… December.
For me, it looks like many craft orders, much babysitting, many tutoring sessions and not enough time to craft some stuff for myself, cook and bake everything I’d like, decorate properly, read, or to write enough (although I know my “enough” regarding writing is nothing like the “enough” that every single person around me would find acceptable).
But come to think of it, I am still striving to do my best and accomplish everything that looks like I won’t have time for.
That’s just the physical side of things though. On the inside, I feel more stressed out about December being the end of the year and I am doing my best to stay present and keep the stress level at a minimum.
But one thing I know for sure — this December will be much better than last year’s was. And even if the stress level raises some bumps in my road, I’m so grateful to be here.
Me too, trying to stay present. I wonder if there will come a time when I’m so balanced and Zen and master-of-the-pause, that December won’t feel like a stocking stuffed to overflowing with big plans, and little plans, and family, and friends, and work, and hopes, and regrets, and words, and fancy food, and decorations, and cheesecake…
I wonder if some day I’ll just sit down and read a good book for December. ;-)
My December is like many people’s December busy with Christmas stuff. Decorating, shopping, cleaning, wrapping, planning, partying, etc. It started off sad with a memorial (thank you for coming) and a friend moving away. Just like you said I keep telling myself that the my friend who is moving is not dead, but she will be far so there will be a void.
This month for some crazy reason I thought it would be a good idea to start a 31 day project. Getting rid of something — one thing, at least — everyday for the entire month. I swore it would NOT take up time, but yesterday as I was in my huge mess of a closet I found it taking a lot of time. But that is ok. I am still on track with either getting rid of something or fixing it — basically making more space (and time). Why I decided to add this to the Holiday hecticness I don’t know. Probably because I didn’t have anything to post the day I posted it.
Happy Birthday and much love to you, J!
I love that idea. I think if I got rid of one thing every day for a year, I’d feel very liberated at the end… *mind cranks into gear*
Sending you love this month. It’s going to be different. Maybe what you’re doing is really good. A sort of cleansing – that pause I was talking about before. xo
oh December, I feel very much like you this month. I’m also a December baby! I feel nostalgic, have very vivid memories of this month that both delight me and create angst. I start off the month, proclaiming it’s my Birthday month, then as the 16th approaches I begin to feel sad and just want to sleep. Then, there’s the holidays, and my wanting to make everything perfect. I’m not normally a control freak except when I am, and I am on holidays. I don’t get it. I can’t believe the Love Project is at its last month, I didn’t participate enough!
Well, you probably did, you just didn’t label your stuff “love project” stuff. Our birthdays are right next to each other. I’ll warm up the birthday space for you to slide right in the next day. ;-)
Oddly enough, this year for me has had a definite shape, with lots of learning, growing, agonised journaling to actually sort out the messy parts of me- not just going round in circles, but getting better. Starting blogging has been good, practising writing for others, hearing their responses, learning more. Being less self-conscious, less defensive about things which have embarrassed me. Normally things do not fit a year, but this year they have. Now, more than ever before, I can see, and say honestly believing it, “It is all good. It is all beautiful”.
I don’t think you can come away from a year with anything more valuable than that! It’s funny, now that you mention it, how my life has fit into years lately. I always think of Obama’s election as the beginning of my own very personal transformation. I volunteered for it, in part, to throw myself into something I believed in because I was wounded and confused and adrift and I needed to believe and work toward something.
Since then, the trajectory – ever more northbound – has been very much marked by each year. A year of healing and blogging, a year of very serious writing and clumsily reaching out, a year of loving fearlessly…
It’s been… unpredictable and messy and… yes. Beautiful, too.
Your posts are always so beautiful, J. Even when you’re “scattered,” there’s a sense of poignancy that draws me in every time.
December for me is emotional. It’s full of joy and love and all that cheesy stuff the holidays used to be for me. Christmas was magical when I was a kid. And now it’s the month of my husband’s and my anniversary, so I take time to appreciate him and what we have together.
But it’s also incredibly sad. For one thing, I miss my dad acutely. I have all of his decorations, so getting them out always brings back a rush of bittersweet. And then there’s the stress. My husband and I both have divorced parents, so there are four sides of the family playing tug-of-war with our loyalty and time.
And then of course, what most people feel (I think), is pressure to be happy. Amidst all of the other things going on, our society wants us to think this is “the most wonderful time of the year.” Is it? Sometimes. But I think it’s okay if it isn’t. My goal this year is to have realistic expectations and let myself feel whatever I feel. If magic isn’t what I’m feeling, it isn’t what I’m feeling. There’s always January.
You’re hitting upon the problem with the holidays exactly, to me, at least. I don’t know how to fix it, but the stress that naturally comes with all the shopping, and the decorations, and the planning of too-many visits, and the abundance of conflicting family expectations gets combined with whatever December holds for you on its own – sad anniversaries, absent loved ones, neurotic self-analysis. It’s natural that we might not only fall short of jolly, but feel downright sad or lonely at times.
The last thing we should allow to be added to our mix is a required mood. I’m going to share your goal – feel what I feel without feeling guilt over it.
Thanks, Annie!