Everyone has them. The lessons they must learn over and over again. Here are mine…
- The words will come. Trust that.
- Surrounded by people who want more, or less, or different, just be j.
- Love is complicated and messy and unpredictable and brutal and amazing and disappointing and wondrous. It is always worth the risk of being hurt.
- Read the whole recipe before I start cooking.
- The best people in my life don’t care if I wear the wrong shoes.
- This moment really is all we have.
- Focusing on the numbers – how many views, friends, followers, comments, acres, cars, famous acquaintances, lovers, messages… even words - only makes me insecure (and just as crazy as all those people I don’t like who are focused on their own set of numbers).
- Not every relationship is worth hanging in there for, but I am rescued daily by the ones that are.
- Speeding tickets are expensive.
- Amazing things happen when I do what scares me.
Your turn. What are the lessons you find yourself having to learn over and over?
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4, ha read the whole recipe, oh was supposed to add 1/2 cup not a whole 1, oops.
5. are those the wrong shoes? do think you mixed up right & left though.
9, tickets in general are expensive, only been stopped once on my bike & was given a warning, no wasn’t for speeding.
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about those shoes . . .
Or, as the old saying goes when someone says your shoes are on the wrong feet: “But these are the only feet I have.”
{{{giggles}}}
1. Things worth having, require hard work.
2. Friendship is worth the hard work.
3. It is easy to see the worst in people, but so much more rewarding to see the best.
4. Planning ahead is a really good idea, but difficult when you are lazy.
5. Being me, (sort of like your #2), is maybe less “exciting” but infinitely easier and more rewarding – in the looong run.
6. I always underestimate the time it takes to do anything. Usually by a factor of 3.
7. Sometimes I just want to scream. And it is OK to do just that. I forget the second part of that.
8. Your number 3.
9. I actually want to be in love, not in like. *sigh* like is so much easier.
10. Back to your number 3
This post is like your fears post right? If I wait, you will magically make all of these lessons stick this time? :o) Thanks J! xo
Keith, What was it for?
Karen, I know you love my shoes, girlfriend.
Caroline, Your number 2 is interesting to me. I agree, except when a friendship is just too hard. To be honest, I’ve never experienced this until this past year. Maybe it’s being online and therefore casting a wider net. Maybe it’s just me coming out of the cave I’d lived in for so long. But the question of where to draw the line troubles me. When a friendship becomes not something that feeds or expands or comforts me, but something that drains, or stresses, or makes me feel lesser, when is it best to let go? Knowing when to give up on a “hard work” friendship is a critical skill I haven’t quite mastered. I do know that my best relationships aren’t hard work…
I agree with you. Something that does not add but drains is not worth it. I am coming from a different place than you are J. I do live in a cave, have for most of my life, and for me, sitting here with myself is fine. It’s “ok” but not great, not rewarding and not emotionally fulfilling. For me, coming out of the cave, making the effort (I’m so out of practice, it feels like ‘effort’) to reach out and connect and to maintain that connection – even when I feel like going back to the cave for the ok, I am finding is worth it. I wasn’t countering your list, I was just providing mine. I believe I <3 you because we are different when it comes to so many things, but I love those differences. You always make me think. xo
Oh, I didn’t think you were countering, you just happened to hit on something that I’ve been puzzling over for a while. And now that I understand what you’re saying, I absolutely agree with you. I can’t tell you how many morning pages have been devoted to this theme: I will never go back in the cave.
It is worth the effort that being out in the world requires – worth every uncertain friendship, every heartache, every disappointment, every sleepless night. I hope you stay out here with me, sweetie.
I can understand these lessons. I completely agree with number eight and your further comment. Friendships can be “work” but it should not be a drain. I liken it to marriage. Marriage is hard, it takes work every day, but doing so is rewarding not draining, that’s how friendship should be, in my opinion.
A couple of things I have learned and need keep learning –
1. Always trust my “gut”/instincts
2. Graciously accepting a gift/a compliment/a kind act is actually an act of giving in itself
3. There is no such thing as just jumping on the computer for “just a minute”
4. Somewhat like Caroline, the execution of a task ALWAYS takes longer than I estimate
5. I need to be READY to leave at least 10 minutes before I need to leave
6. It takes AT LEAST 10 minutes to get out of the house once I am ready to leave
I am sure there are more but that’s all I got at the moment.
running a red light but it was one of those T intersections
My number one life lesson? Always have a food plan.
Not to google any sick-like symptoms I have, lest I want to spend the entire day convinced I have a tumor/cancer/incurable disease and will be dying quite soon.
Terre, I’ve got your #2 down. Compliment at will. ;-) LOVE your #3. Yes, I have to relearn that one all the time. Your #6 made me laugh. That drives me crazy! (But I love that you absolutely know it about yourself.)
Allison, I don’t even know what a food plan is! (Or do you mean always have a plan for getting food. Which is solid boy-scouty behavior.)
Margosita, That made me laugh. Me too! When I was pregnant, I had to stop reading the What To Expect book because I developed every symptom I didn’t have before reading about it.
1) To think before I react. I will go to my grave before learning this one.
2) Pie makes everything better. It could possibly be the solution to world peace.
Awww — life lessons that don’t stick the 1st (2nd, 3rd, etc.) time around.
Here’s some of mine:
1) Relax
2) Just enjoy the moment without thinking about the next moment
3) Stop for just a second and look up at the sky — I always forget how nice it is.
4) Don’t compare, don’t worry, don’t strive to be like, don’t attempt to impress, don’t crowd, don’t linger, don’t give up even if everyone thinks you should, don’t listen to everyone, don’t seek advice — seek clarity.
5) Relax … wait, can I have one twice? ;-)
Thanks for sharing.
#1-Not to give unsolicited advice. Thought I had this one licked, but that old pattern recently reared its ugly head on me when I was at a low energy point.
#2-Love has to be reciprocal if it’s going to feed your spirit.
#3-It’s ok to think of yourself first sometimes. All my life I left me last. When I put my wants/needs first, I feel selfish. Still trying to learn that getting your needs met is not selfish, it’s a necessary part of loving the self.
#4-You can never “know” what someone else is thinking.
And I wholeheartedly agree with Caroline’s #3 : ” It is easy to see the worst in people, but so much more rewarding to see the best.”
That gets a big old Amen from me.
Great list, j. I can especially relate to #2, 3 and 5. Here are a few more of mine:
~People are not always as they seem
~Believe people when they show you who they are
~It is okay to ask for what I want/need
~Taking a shower always makes me feel better
~It takes a lot less energy to do something than to avoid doing something
~Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. (okay, sometimes–though rarely– it does, which only serves to reinforce my tendency)
~Often the most important truths in life are the ones we have to learn over and over and over and over again
Amy, Yay! Pie! (My son used to have a t-shirt that said “I love pie.” And also one that said “I love cheese.” Both true.)
Becky, You’re number 4 is a little like my “Don’t focus on the numbers” which, I think, leads to comparing and trying to impress and being less ourselves. And yes. You can have “relax” twice. It should have been on my list too!
Karen, Why is it almost every woman I know needs to learn (and relearn) to put herself first. And I think what makes it even harder is that, to some degree, society judges harshly women who make themselves a priority. Certainly more harshly than men. And yes, I agree with Caroline too. She is wiser than she admits.
Hippiechick, Your 1 and 2 should be my 1 and 2 also. And my #3 should probably be that it takes less energy to do than to avoid. Thank goodness for your last point, which makes me feel a little better about my long, long list. <3
I love how this get’s to become voices from the jungle
like we all gather at the watering hole and share :~)
for me it is
1- acceptting the compliment.. the giver wouldn’t give it if they didn’t feel it
2- allowing others to do things for you… because sometimes you need to let others feel good about doing something for you
3- accepting that I can not do everything for everybody
I have lots of things about time LOL
I love the idea of a shirt that says …..I LOVE PIE
it is important for us to remember that in life we have to take care of us first , so beleiveing in ourselves is top priority, for in how we deal with ourselves if how the world treats us.
You all rock
and I am glad to hang here with you :~)
My list was too easy to create and too long. I better start learning these lessons so I can start not learning new ones. (Huh? Oh well, you know what I mean. :-D) Here goes:
1) Ditto #2, 4, 6 on your list
2) Whatever worries are keeping me awake at night will be easier to solve the next day – if I actually sleep through the night. Remember… night time is for sleeping. Day time is for worrying. (I always get that mixed up.)
3) Know when to quit and remember that quitting is not the same as failing.
4) It’s okay to say “no”.
5) Take a little step forward when there isn’t enough time/resources to do the whole project at once. All those little steps will add up to a completed project.
6) Always putting my needs last isn’t good for anyone. Not even for me.
7) Working out always makes me feel better mentally, physically, emotionally – after I’m DONE working out.
8) Know when to leash/unleash my internal perfectionist demon.
9) If someone’s words do not match their actions, believe what they do, not what they say.
10) It’s better to speak my truth and risk offending someone than to be quiet and find out later that they thought I agreed with their (insane/unjust/ridiculous) position.
11) I do not own a transporter. Therefore, I must leave enough time to actually drive to my next destination…
Thanks for another thought-provoking post, j!
Oh, wrong time for me to answer this one, j. I LOVE everyone’s answers. I’m just in a (thankfully infrequent) mood to say things I’m sure I’d regret, and probably disagree with, when I’m my normal, more optimistic self. {Aren’t I usually optimistic? At least not pessimistic. Maybe an optimistic realist? I hope so.} Right now I feel like I need to learn EVERY thing over and over again and that it’ll never stick. Every single person came up with some fabulous answers. I do know that I have learned two lessons quite well ~ I am ten minutes behind the rest of the universe and that pie makes everything better.
1. The things I think are really scary to do end up being the most wonderful experiences ever.
2. Sister St. Cornelia was wrong. I am NOT going to hell.
3. My best friend should be – first and foremost -myself.
4. There is always and Option C!
5. It really is better to give than to receive.
6. Slow but steady does win the race many times
And, to quote Douglas Adams, It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
June, I love that analogy. I’m happy to provide our water hole! That’s a very interesting observation, and I think you might be right that how we deal with ourselves, to some degree, is how the world treats us. Maybe not as unkindly (we can all be so cruel to ourselves), but how seriously we’re taken, how lovingly we’re treated. I had a friend years ago who told me not to put myself down in conversation because people believe what they hear. So even if everything I do points to the contrary, if I call myself stupid enough times, people will begin to believe I am stupid. Powerful thought.
jb, “So I can start unlearning new ones” cracked me up! I like your #9, it’s like practical advise to act on Hippiechick’s first two lessons. I’m going to try that. Thank you! (Zebra Sounds Therapy… my real motivation to blog!)
Dani, Maybe the lessons I need to remind you of right now are the “it’s okay not to be perfect” and “it’s okay to cry (or scream)” ones. I’m sure everyone reading this knows just where you are. I stop by that yucky place way too frequently. I say thrash around a bit and then, when you’re ready, start the arduous climb back out (or perhaps you already are climbing). You know we’re all here waiting for you. Hug!
Marisa, Shit! I was hoping it was going to say “j” at the end of your #3. ;-) That Douglas Adams quote is one of my favorites. Along with this one from Tom Robbins (Opening line from Still Life with Woodpecker): If this typewriter can’t do it, then fuck it, it can’t be done.”
nice words. I have some comments on:
1- don’t be shy in love, don’t get discouraged to say the truth.
2. individuality, uniqueness.
3. love is above reason.
4. Definitely for me, since I am beginner cooker (man).
5. the best people look inside me and not outside.
6. you put short my 8 lesson (http://keymus.wordpress.com/2010/09/07/10-lessons-im-forever-relearning/).
7. maybe quality over quantity.
No comment for the rest. thank you for sharing. what you asked for is here:
http://keymus.wordpress.com/2010/09/07/10-lessons-im-forever-relearning/
jb – some of your lessons you are re-learning I have yet to learn, but one I need to keep rememeber is your #5) Take a little step forward when there isn’t enough time/resources to do the whole project at once. All those little steps will add up to a completed project.
Thanks for the reminder.
J – There is a ritual to leaving the house. Sometimes it takes longer if I can’t find the cat or my keys. It is imperative to say good-bye to the cat and give her kisses. So if I have to look all over for her that makes the time to leave even longer than 10 minutes. I have been better about putting my keys in one place when I get home. I used to toss them in my purse, but sometimes I would go to leave and not be able to find them (in my purse) and spend time looking for them only to get frustrated and go look in my purse again and that’s where they were all along. Oh, that could be #7-ALWAYS put keys on the hook for when you need them again!
So true, we all have them.
Here are mine:
- putting myself first isn’t selfish, it’s necessary (though I still feel selfish about it 99% of the time)
- everything that goes wrong can go right too (I need to remember not to lose hope)
- following someone else’s lead isn’t that bad (trying to always be in control of everything is tiering and sometimes useless)
Keymus23, I agree with you about not being shy in love, but I meant in writing. Trusting the writing process. But, you’re right. It works for both. Thank you for your thoughts, and for running with this on your blog. Your list was great!
Terre, Gah! How could I be mad about your needing to kiss the cat. I accept totally your good cause!
Estrella, I love your second lesson. Once things start to unravel, I tend to expect the worse, but, like you, I need to not lose hope. Things rarely go AS wrong as I imagine they are going to. Thank you for reminding me.
1. I shouldn’t complain to the baker because my donuts have holes in them.
2. Enough alcohol will make even the waiter look sexy.
3. When someone says, “Trust me,” it doesn’t mean I can trust him.
4. When riding the bus, don’t sit next to the old man with the full diaper.
5. When the pretty nurse wants to give me a sponge bath, it doesn’t mean she wants to have sex like on the X-rated videos.
6. It’s not smart to buy shoes two sizes too big just to impress the sales clerk.
7. No matter how tempting it might be when you’re in a hurry, never use superglue to hold your pants up.
8. When packing for a plane trip, don’t forget to check all your pockets for marijuana.
9. When I see fresh cement, it probably is going to piss off someone if I write my name in it and press my handprints into it.
10. The changing room at the clothing store is not a place to hold a craps game.
Blackaddler, Holy cow, you made me spit coffee. (Swallow before reading you is one more lesson for my list.) I would say you are in rare form here, but I know this is how you always are. Well, online. I’m sure in person you’re a very serious, boring man. Who looks just like Javier Bardem.
The number 1 lesson I must relearn repeatedly is that creativity needs exercise.
Number 2: If I don’t want to do something, it’s best if I say “no” when asked. Really.
Number 3: Having friends over is always worth the effort of cleaning the house.
1. Sometimes, good enough is good enough
2. The amount of time you spend putting off something you don’t want to do then panicking because the deadline is due is inversely proportional to the amount of time the task will actually take
3. If at first you don’t succeed, try again another day, don’t spend the whole damn day hitting your head off a brick wall.
4. Failure *IS* an option sometimes!
Pam, Ha! I love your number 3. Yes it is!
Ramblingscotsman, I am one of those people who thinks we often learn more in failure than we do in success. I agree wholeheartedly with your list.
Heh! That’s just the list that describes the week I had!