So, this was to be the weekend of my dive certification…I did not dive.
On Sunday evening, I shared my frustration online with a friend and she said to me, “Sorry about the dive. Dealing with disappointment wasn’t the desired lesson, huh?! xo”
It made me laugh, but it also struck a chord. By way of explanation, here’s how my weekend unfolded.
On Thursday, the doctor said (sweetly and with regret), “Your eustachian tube is dysfunctional. You won’t dive on Saturday.” When I looked despondent, he softened his delivery without changing the conclusion.
On Friday, we drove to the dive shop to pick up our gear (mine too) and then on to Monterey. I spent the four plus hours of the trip trying to clear my ear. Each time I tried, I could hear – reverberating through my skull – much crackling and gurgling. My ear grew sore and achy, but it never unplugged. I told myself this was progress.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept trying to clear my ear. I visualized the diving skills we’d be asked to perform under the sea. I breathed. In the morning, though nothing had changed, I got up at the crack of dawn, put on my bathing suit and my superhero lycra, loaded my scuba gear alongside Chad’s and The Boy’s. At the dive site, I told the instructor I’d give it a try and abort the dive if I couldn’t clear.
He was nice. He didn’t say I couldn’t dive. He said a bunch of other stuff about the importance of being able to clear your ears, about listening to my doctor, about how the class would be disrupted if I tried to dive and couldn’t. In the end, I stood on shore as the class waddled clumsily into the ocean without me, and I struggled under the weight of crushing disappointment – the kind usually reserved for children who have not yet developed a sense of perspective.
I could try to explain why I was so affected, but instead I’ll just say this. Somewhere along the way, this adventure became about something far more important to me than just dive certification.
I watched the divers go on without me and I accepted, finally, that I wasn’t going to be part of it. Except, I didn’t really. Inside, I railed at the injustice, cursed my dysfunctional ear, wondered if somehow I’d brought this on myself as a way of getting out of facing my fear. I bounced like a pinball between anger, sadness, self-doubt, frustration. That’s how I spent my weekend. No matter where I was on the outside – at the dive sites, wandering about Cannery Row, climbing rocky cliffs, taking pictures, getting some work done in a pretty cafe – on the inside, I was weathering a storm.
It wasn’t until we were driving home (Chad and The Boy fully certified) that I felt myself accept the reality. I did not get certified and, like it or not, that means I will have to dive later, by myself, without Chad and The Boy to help me through my fear. That’s the reality, and being pissed off and feeling cheated doesn’t change it. It was only then, surrendering to the facts as they were, that I felt myself take the first mental step toward moving beyond it. By the time we got home, I had a plan, and today the plan is in action.
Which brings me back to my friend’s comment about learning to accept disappointment. She was right. Compared to learning how to face and overcome my fears, learning to accept disappointment is a crappy little lesson. It’s not shiny or impressive. It doesn’t make me feel like a superhero, doesn’t spur me on to the next big adventure. It’s the runt of personal lessons, let’s face it… but it is the one I needed to learn this weekend.
So, now, onward! A more sparkly post on Wednesday, I promise.
Wild
Riding disappointment is, I think, one of the toughest things we can do. I think it’s even more difficult than failure, though with both, one has to pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and start all over again. That takes quiet courage.
And, perhaps this foray into the deep is something that is truly just your own, not something connected to anyone else. I think those opportunities are individuation rites for women. Maybe that’s really what your diving to the depths is about.
Good job.
Oh, and I for one, don’t need a sparkly post. I think this one is just fine.
Thanks for the update, I was wondering about your diving adventure!
Sorry to hear about what went on… :(
still think you made the right choice: retreat today to fight tomorrow.
And it is really refreshing to see how you are using each and every thing that happens, even frustrating events, as a learning opportunity.
This is how one can grow up and become fully herself. Kudos.
i dove once shortly after a cold, head/ears were still kinda stuffy, made it down OK but coming back up was a bit uncomfy & wondering what i was gonna do to my ears cuz it was a little painful. think i ended up coming up the boat anchor line so i could control my ascent better.
understand your disappointment but ya don’t really wanna break your eardrum or sumtin, And going to the MB aquarium is just like going diving but without getting wet. (suppose you could wear your lycra & cape there too).
first test for your ear(s) is just to go swimming sometime & swim to the deep end -when your ear clears up- to see how it goes
I agree with Karen, I don’t always need a sparkly post from you. As your friend, you can share the good and the bad with me. I will rejoice and celebrate your triumphs and offer support and encouraging words when and if you need them.
I am sorry that you were not able to dive. I think the fact that you were willing to go forward even against the doctors advise tells me that you had overcome the fear. I have no doubt that you will become certified at a later date.
Take care!
Mary
I can’t wait to hear about your plan, Judy!
I hate disappointment. In most cases though, I’ve learned to just say “you’ll have that” and just keep on keepin’ on. Other times, like when I get rejected by a publisher or dumped by the woman who means the world to me, disappointment can be a black sucking hole of dispair.
I think you’ve travelled far to get to where you’re at….and ears be damned, you’ll get your certification.
actually don’t think i made it my first time out on the beach dive. i swam out to our dive buoy (with all that gear on glub glub) & then bobbed around
the viz wasn’t very good so couldn’t see anything and i came back in. but the boat dive was much better – viz was much better so it was much easier doing the skills test and sscuba’ing around.
Karen, You rock, plain and simple. Going it alone may be what this is about after all. I’ve been thinking about that too. Thank you, wise woman.
Paolo, Thanks, partner. You inspire me regularly.
Keith, Thanks. I don’t think the Aquarium would quite have the potential for growth I’m after, but there is something to said for staying dry.
Mary, I don’t really think I can only post good news. I certainly post my foibles and fumblings often enough. I just had high hopes this time. Still, it’s nice to know you’re here – ups and downs alike. xo
BR, The plan is boring, but your interest is sweet, cutie pie.
Rob, I know all too well that writer’s rejection “black hole of despair.” Somehow I guess we get to the other side of all of it… wounds and all. Thank you for your vote of confidence. That actually does help!
Keith, My instructor was less than enthusiastic about the idea of my aborting the dive if I had trouble. He said I wouldn’t be able to hang around the buoy; I’d have to be escorted all the way up and out. Insurance reasons, I’m guessing.
Oh snap! I am not going to lie, you KNOW I love the sparkle. But to me, J, all your post that are about you and that are from your heart sparkle. Sparkling is about letting your light shine and you being you does that. You being you as a pouting child, you being you as a disappointed woman, you being you doing great things or little things, or silly things. It all sparkles to me.
I am sorry that you did not get to dive with Chad and The Boy. I am THRILLED at this beautiful written post, and that you faced the facts and are ready to move on. Rah-rah-rah!
To me, you always sparkle. You are amazing. I love my sparkly J!
we did that all the time, me included my first trip out to the buoy, shuttled divers back & forth to the shore if they changed their mind at any step of the way.
it was no biggie, we assistant types did the shuttle service to shore while the instructor was u/w doing the scuba skills stuff with students. and we were on shore to help divers out of the surf.
So many things going round in my mind right now ~ and all of them about me! ;-P I think I’ll be coming back, rereading your post and catching all of the comments. {Not that I don’t do that with every post.} But I think there’s at least one lesson I really need to pay attention to here.
So let me say thank you; you sparkle no matter what you write or do; I know you’ll find something in your dives that you would not have had you done them with Chad and The Boy; all will work out for the best in the end. In the meantime, do some dancing ~ any kind ~ it won’t hurt your ear and it’ll make you feel better. Love you big! *Dancing Hugs*
Hey Jack,
I was wondering about Chad & the boy. Say congratulations to them please from the Dalmatian lady if the boy asks. Didn’t want to ask earlier. :(
I knew you’d find a way to grow without facing this fear. That’s a mark of maturity and intelligence. Keep stepping forward!
BTW I can’t clear either ear. Two ear surgeries as a kid. My head wants to explode at 8ft.
In re-reading I see my comment isn’t very clear. I meant, “I knew you’d find a way to grow while facing this disappointment.” (Had two thoughts going at the same time.) You will do this and I’m glad your ear will, eventually, clear up.
The doctor said, “Most people recover.” We’re going to hope I am, this one time, like “most people.”
Oh, dear, dear, J. I am so sorry your diving didn’t go as planned. But this post is yet another testimony to your strength – how you walk away learning something really important, and moving on, looking on ahead with a sparkling smile. Like all your posts, your words from your heart encourage me ever closer to mustering up the courage to do the same. Thank you!
I agree with Karen and the others. I don’t need a sparkly post on Wednesday (or any day). And I think the universe set things up so you would have to do the dive alone. When you do the dive–and you will–it will be that much more of a life goal achieved.
As for disapointment, I know a bit about that. And yeah, it’s a bitch. But learning to deal with it gracefully is a great life skill to have in your back pocket (or any pocket). I don’t think it’s a runt at all. Great post!
Terre, High praise from one who is so sparkly. Thank you so much for this big smile.
Dani, And of course, I share so much of myself here in the hope that occasionally others might read me and recognize themselves. Your comment means more than you know!
Jack, Well you know how it is. She who owns the blog gets to be the star. (They both did great. I will pass on your congratulations.)
Kevin, I know what you meant (I think) but at first I was all, “Wait! He didn’t think I’d face my fear?” I still intend to. The ear will eventually right itself (at least my doctor says that is the more common outcome), and I will dive. Keep thinking those positive thoughts for me, darlin’.
Eman, Thank you. It helps to have friends putting things in perspective when you can’t quite muster it yourself. I have faith in you!
Hi, Cynthia! Thank you for that. I aspire to your grace… and sense of humor.
I have some of it ….still feel it’s not all of what I need to get from this…. but I have been “dealing” with a bitter disappointment the past few months. And by “dealing” I mean hanging on to it for dear life and railing against the unfairness and striking out at the person who’s “fault” it is, while pretending to both that person and myself that I was taking full responsibility for my own actions. I was aware of most of that not being of any help (or even not true,) though not willing to really face it. What I’m getting now, from your post (so far and I think there will be more) is from these lines:
” I bounced like a pinball between anger, sadness, self-doubt, frustration.” “That’s the reality, and being pissed off and feeling cheated doesn’t change it. It was only then, surrendering to the facts as they were, that I felt myself take the first mental step toward moving beyond it.”
I just recognized that I have NOT surrendered to the reality. I don’t want to acknowledge that what I desire is never going to happen. Until I accept it, I’m stuck in the storm, holding on to impossible expectations, pain and resentment.
What really scares me is knowing that my mother NEVER accepted that life is not fair and we are NOT going to get everything that we want. She died at age 83 sad, angry, bitter and resentful. The worst part is that she spent so much of her life ignoring the happiness she could have had if only she would have looked at what was right there in front of her instead of being disappointed in what she didn’t have. I do NOT want to turn into my mother.
At least for me, dealing with disappointment can be a HUGE lesson to learn. Thank you,j, for at least showing me (one of) my problems. Now it’s up to me to learn the lessons. *hugs*
Such wonderful things already said. I only have one thing to say.
Dive or no dive, you rock.
That is all.
J, I think that you learned something more important than being certified. You learned that you can be disappointed in life, and that life still goes on. There are other mountains to climb, and other depths to delve. In the end, you do not have to be “certified” to conquer your fears. The conquering is in the trying; with or without a certificate.
Lycra or no Lycra, you’re still awesome.
J,
I only subscribe to a couple of blogs, yours and Raptitude.com. Both have thoughtful bits of wisdom that make me think and help me get through my day. Thanks for being so open and present and willing to share your experiences with us. Check out David’s comments in “How To Make Life Agreeable” about how he overcame his fears, it might resonate with you in your present state of mind.
John
Wow. Karen and Hip and Dani have already said it for me (and better) but I’m off my game. I woke up late this morning, but hustled over here, and well – it was Friday’s post still. So I’m breaking my usual AM tradition and not waiting until tomorrow to say – what? that I agree with other people? I guess so. You’re great J, that you share this with us, makes you even more awesome- awesomely awesome? I dunno – the words, me no good with them. I am sorry that you couldn’t dive, but I agree this was an important experience for you. That you recognize this possibility so soon after the disappointment, well that is the epitome of sparkly awesomeness, which doesn’t only mean shiny and happy, at least not to me. It means intelligent, in-tune, true, inspirational and wise. OK, I will stop now. xo
You MUST stop always saying that you’re not good with words or don’t say things as well as others. {Here, at Becky’s & at Joanne’s ‘Words’} You ALWAYS say things unique to you, things that the rest of us love to read, comments that are as good or better as others {especially mine.} PLEASE? #clove xoxo
Dani, I find “surrender” the hardest thing. I’ve been listening to Eckhart Tolle lately when I walk Lexi and he’s big on the concept. This was one of the first times I actually felt the power of it. Not because I’m willing to accept my non-certified status but I really just couldn’t focus on how to fix the problem until I truly accepted the current situation. I hope you can make it work in your case too. It was sort of freeing. I do feel less frustrated and angry and anti-social right now. Good luck! I’m so rooting for you!
Hippiechick, You are a woman of few (but ever-so-perfect words). Thank you. The feeling is quite definitely mutual.
Ralph, Thank you. I’m still sort of determined to conquer this particular mountain, but I love your last sentence. BIG smile!
John, I will check it out. Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot to me. I’m honored to be one of your few subscriptions.
Thanks, j! I know I have to do it myself, but knowing you are holding my hand helps SO much! Big #jlove <3
Caroline, I missed you there! Thank you, thank you! I didn’t mean to imply I can only post happy, I just had my hopes up for a super amazingly triumphant DIVING post. (Coming soonish.) ;-)
Of that (super amazingly triumphant diving post) I have no doubt! xo
j, all your other awesome people have already said what I felt as I read your post. But let me just add that I’ve watched many people avoid taking a risk to grow or try new things because they so feared disappointment. So you actually did face your fears, just not the ones you thought were next.
In my opinion, being able to face (and deal with, as you did, by fully feeling it) the fear of disappointment is not the runt of lessons. It’s one of the biggies.
Said earlier by John (on behalf of all of us) and this bears repeating: “Thanks for being so open and present and willing to share your experiences with us.”
You have no idea how brave and inspirational you already are. :) Not to mention, your writing skills make a purportedly gloomy post sparkle like the best sparklies. How can you make me love reading about fear and disappointment so much? Not cuz I want to see you go through those things, but because you make it riveting. And because your words sing with passion.
Milli, Wow! You should encourage writers for a living. I appreciate your comments so much – here and elsewhere. Your faith in me is more sustaining than you could possibly know. Thank you is not enough, of course, but I way it anyway. xo