I am fascinated by koans. For this post, I looked up the actual definition. From Dictionary.com: A koan is a puzzling, often paradoxical statement or story, used in Zen Buddhism as an aid to meditation and a means of gaining spiritual awakening.
Recently, not for the first time, this koan caught my attention: What did your face look like before you were born?
Your”original face,” I think, is the face you had before you began making assumptions about yourself, labeling yourself: I’m shy; I’m fat; I have no self-control; I’m not creative; I’m not cool; I’m not good under pressure.
Before you “knew” so much about yourself… who were you?
It was when I first heard that koan that I began to wonder if “shy” wasn’t simply a label I’d given myself. I really hated being shy. I complained all the time about how it got in my way, how it limited me and stressed me out, but I also totally accepted it. I was the shy girl. Everyone knew it. Even my creative writing professors in college rarely made me read my work aloud. (It was as painful for them to watch me try as it was for me to attempt it.)
But the “original face” koan got me thinking (as all good koans do), and I decided there must have been a time before I was a shy. And then, after that, another time when I accepted shyness as part of my identity. And once you do that, even if you hate the characteristic you’ve accepted, it’s hard to let it go. Right or wrong, it is how you define yourself, and it’s easier to be this thing you hate, than to risk becoming something new.
It sounds crazy – deciding not to be shy, but that’s what I did. Partly as an experiment, and partly because I was tired of being quiet, of standing outside looking in. It has not been easy, or smooth. Sometimes I am an unbelievable dork, and before you jump in to reassure me, please know that I don’t say that lightly. I am cold-sweat-tongue-tied uncomfortable sometimes, and it shows. I’m sure there are times when people I meet simply don’t know what to make of me. But other times, I’m fine. Maybe even charming. At least, I’m not embarrassing, and frankly that still amazes me.
I can’t picture my face before I was born. I’m not entirely sure which things about myself I can change and which things I need to learn to live with. I’m figuring it out as I go. It’s a little scary, but also empowering to think I have so much control over who I am. (Hell, maybe I’m good at math. Who knows?)
I found this on Wikipedia, a song by American Buddhist musician Stuart Davis called “Original Face”. The chorus goes:
- There’s a light bulb in everyone
- Bright enough to swallow the sun,
- Earth and sky are all one taste,
- There is just the original face.
Wild
I believe you when you say you were shy, but it’s so hard to believe because you seem anything but shy on Twitter. In my mind’s eye, you are the girl in high school voted most popular and the life of the party. I’m also surprised by how I appear to come across on Twitter. #NYTwitter2010 kind of scares me because I’m so afraid that I’m going to disappoint everyone in person. This post is really inspiring to take the leap to conciously “let go” of traits that I don’t like in myself. So, thanks, J. I’m glad you’re holding my hand, too.
To answer your question: I don’t know who I was. But I can see how that could actually be who I am or trying to be.
Interesting.
I am glad that you decided to not be shy. Its really cool for the rest of us.
Heady stuff. Koans and deep questions about the origins of our self concept. I believe that your “shyness”and tempering of that “growth-edge” adds to your complexity and charm. Traits can be multi -faceted and there is a piece of “shy” that is both charming and disarming. I think that you retained that aspect as well as the humility and sensitivity towards others that shyness sometimes engenders while striving, successfully to break through the
barriers the “condition” imposes.. At any rate,
you are one incredible evolving woman in my eyes.
“Warmest Regards”,
Marsha
Thanks for this koan, Judy. My post yesterday mentioned your metamorphosis and how I want to accomplish the same coming out.
As someone else who is often “cold-sweat-tongue-tied uncomfortable,” you’re my inspiration.
Dani, I was just having this conversation with a musician I know, about how it’s easier to be brave in writing. Twitter capitalizes on my preferred means of communication! I want to post on that too, and also on how we are different online than in person… So many posts, so little time.
Terre, me too. I don’t want ever want to go back!
Marsha, Heady stuff, yes. The first time I heard the koan, it was Echart Tolle talking about it, so you can imagine all the things I was thinking about at the time. You’re right about their being good aspects to shyness, sensitivity being one of them. I don’t want to lose that in the process of evolution. Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom, as always! You’re the best!
Linda, As soon as I get The Boy off this moring, I’m heading over to read you. (We can help each other, girlfriend!)
So, the shy thing about you gets me every time. When I think back to our high school days, the thing that I remember most about you was your confidence (and I don’t mean in an egotistical way – you were never boastful or arrogant). You did not seem to be afraid of being who you were and I admired you tremendously for that. There was a quiet strength about you that radiated outward, maybe in spite of yourself :^) At a time when the teenage hormones were completely out of whack and there was the peer pressure thing going on, I knew I could always count on you to be “you” and that thought was very comforting to me.
Maybe our original face is mirrored back to us by the ones that love us, the ones we can be our most vunerable with. That is where I look to see who am I, without all the insecurities, to the people who reflect the love in their eyes. My job is to be their mirror, reflecting back their original face, always with love.
Love you j-girl!!
This is genius j.
I show up late and find I was missing out on a Buddhist get together. I am sooo not dressed appropriately!
Hey J, has being shy really hurt you along the way or just your view of yourself being shy?!?
The reason for the koan you mentioned is to allow a person to swim the depths of the mystery the question produces. Probably why it, and others, are used for meditation and not “what is 2+2″. Oh, how those Zen Master guys were clever!
The best part about what you said regarding the koan, and yourself, was “I think” (that has to put you way ahead of the game!). After that the door is wide open. And while I may not agree with your view of the question — mainly because my view fits my life and not yours!ha! — I certainly like the search for self and self-betterment (by us all!).
To toss another angle at you I think there is a part of that koan that adds “…before your parents were born.”. I could be mixing my koans, like I mix my metaphors, so be sure to slap me down if I am wrong. Its not always “a walk in the cake” for me!!
Christie, The shyness thing is complicated, but the worst of it happened after high school. We’ll talk. ;-) In the meantime, WOW! What you wrote about our original face being mirrored in the ones we love really touched me. That’s beautiful.
Becky, People sound brilliant when they speak in Zen. :-)
Bobby, I don’t even know what you asked much less the answer! I saw that other version too, “before your parents were born,” but as I was having enough trouble with before I was born, I stayed put. Good point about our interpretation of the question being totally different. Hadn’t even considered there could be others. (I’m shy but cocky.)
Judy, to answer your question: I have no idea who I was before I was born. Heck, I didn’t even know I was good at blogging until I started it, or that I was good at creative writing until summer last year when I sent my first flash fiction to a dear friend, or that I could do anything really until I tried the different things.
I think it’s like that with the thing we do know about ourselves too, we need to try again if it didn’t work out.
That’s how we can find out who we are really.
Westlife has a great song, Try Again (which is a love song, but as that or taken into this context, I love it’s chorus for either case):
‘Try again
Never stop believing
Try again
Don’t give up on your love
Stumble and fall
Is the heart of it all
When you fall down (down)
Just try again’
(PS: nice song, give it a search on youtube)
Really thought provoking J, love it! I get what you mean on the shyness thing, believe it or not I was once much less confident, especially around women!
But a combination of people and experiences (good and bad) brought me out of my shell and I’m now much more comfortable in my own skin, even when making an ass out of myself! :-)
Thank you Judy — I am trying to digest all of this. As you know, I also struggled with the shyness issue (and still do, but much less and at unpredictable times). I was also really touched by what Christie wrote and it makes me think about how difficult it is to see ourselves the same way that others do. I’m often wishing that certain people in my life could see themselves through my eyes, thinking how amazed and flattered they would be. However, to try and do the same for myself seems like an impossible feat.
The wonderful thing about those questions (koans) is that they get us to dive into ourselves, it seems, searching those deep waters of our soul — scary and thrilling at the same time. Thank you again, Judy for all of your writing!!
Estrella, You are an example of my best lesson of all in 2009: Leap, and the net will appear.
RSM, I love finding you here! And I am learning to be VERY comfortable with making an ass out of myself. Is that a bright side or a down side? Hmmm…
Carey, Yes! Shyness is unpredictable. And people mask it differently, which is why, I think, it isn’t always apparent that’s what’s going on.
And that is why I love koans… because they make me think, question. Get comfortable with not having answers. (If you saw yourself through my eyes, you’d see nothing but sparkle and light, baby.)
I’m fairly confident my face was cuter than it is now. Maybe if I remove all my self-depreciating labels I can get that look back. Can I?
Tricia, Definitely. Without all those labels, you worry wrinkles will go away. ;-)
The question I posed to you yesterday was in regards to perceptions and the actions that follow.
Being shy, for example, or being left-handed are not big deals in and of themselves. Its whether you perceive them as a positive or a negative that determine your actions. Like you said, you have control to be who and how you want.
You can read all about it in my new book, “Snap Out Of It!”.
Bobby, Ha! Well, by your definition, then, I’m still shy, I just try not to let it control me. (Semantics – gets me every time.)
Your book sounds just chalk full of empathy. I’ll run right out and buy it. (Smiling.)
The book is a follow up to another in the series, “Never Define Yourself By A Negative Perception!”. There is a whole chapter devoted to empathy in there. Granted, its the smallest chapter in the book. HA!!
Judy, I know exactly what you are saying about how shyness is masked in different ways. I’m thinking that maybe Bobby did not grow up as a shy child . . . breaking into a cold sweat over the thought of speaking to another person really doesn’t seem the same to me as coping with being left-handed, but then I’m not left-handed so maybe I also need to experience that ‘first hand’. In the words of my beloved, Morrissey of The Smiths “Shyness is nice . . . and, shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you want to . . . ” I did not hear that song, of course, until I was much older. What I heard, when being shy as a child was “Stop it! Just go up there and say something . . . ” That was usually coming from a person who knew about as much about what shyness feels like as they did about speaking a language they’d never heard. NOT that I’m sensitive about this ;-)
Bobby, That made me laugh.
Carey, I’ve never heard that Morrissey song (and I love Morrissey, too). I’ll have to go find it. Thank you for this comment. Shy people unite! ;-)
Charming? Absolutely.
A mathamagician? Maybe!
Regardless, it sounds like you are figuring things out and you are on the path. It is your path and that is all that really counts. You’ll get to where you are supposed to be, and that’s ok.
Kinda like ya how ya is.
g
I, too, lived a long and tortuous life of shyness – it was quiet and interior. And so it seems ‘my face before I was born’ was sparkling with promise.
George, Aw-shucks-garsh! I’m glad. That’s just more proof that I’m heading the right way. (North! Toward you!)
Bnthotful, Quiet and interior. Yes. And small. I like this bigger world. And I think that’s what the original face must be – sparkling with promise.