I’ve never written an ode before but this may in fact be an ode to hiking

I’ve never been very good at the kind of meditation that requires an emptied mind, but on the trail, something like that happens to me. I walk, aware of the connection point: the soles of my boots and the trail itself, my footfalls and the curve of the earth rising up to meet them.

I stop worrying about my bank account, or the editor considering my piece for publication, or whether or not The Boy’s grades are good enough to get a scholarship. With each step, my jumpy, chattering brain quiets; the rough edges of my psyche grow smooth. I watch the trail disappear beneath my feet and at some point, my goals become only physical – climb to the next summit, the next bend, the next patch of shade.

It feels primal somehow, that place I go, unconnected to my daily life. Both the earth and I are ancient there, and language is different, made of breath and breeze, the wild and silent order of things. It’s all logic and poetry and science and soul, and if you asked me to explain it out there on the trail, I couldn’t.


“It’s different out here,” I’d say, and then I’d just laugh, abandoning all efforts to explain, looking around helplessly at the trees reaching up to the sky, filtering sunlight like stain glass windows, and then at the trail behind and before us, beckoning.

It may be that I love to hike because the trail is the only place in the world for me where being at a complete loss for words doesn’t cause some degree of panic.

My frantic ways

For quite a while, I’ve been wanting to write a post about pacing. Not the nervous, back and forth kind, but the kind that has to do with tempo, the rate at which we move and live and get things done.

A friend told me (diplomatically) that she admired my frantic ways, but she needed to move at a slower, more deliberate pace, with fewer people involved (meaning she had no intention of blogging her plans). We were on the subject because we’d been toying with a collaborative project and she had concerns about our different approaches. We decided to table the idea for the time being, but it got me thinking about how different we all are and how, despite what the experts might have you believe, there isn’t one right way to be.

Some of us want to play big, do more, commit to crazy deadlines so we know we’ll do the work. Others want to slow the hell down, breathe, focus on one major project at a time. Some of us are a little uncomfortable with stillness, while others are learning how to listen to it, lean into it, get quiet. And realistically, we’re probably all shifting between the two extremes all the time.

I’m going to write more posts on this because it interests me and because I think that all too often our stresses about pacing come less from ourselves than from our perception that others expect us to do more or less than we’re doing. We’re urged to think big, to take risks, to put our work out there and not let perfection be the enemy of done. But we’re also urged to take our time, be mindful, get quiet enough to hear our inner voice, focus on the journey. The truth is, whatever we feel we need to do for the sake of our careers or sanity, there’s always (a hugely successful, admirable) someone advising us to do the opposite.

It’s stressful. Or can be. Especially when you’re stretching yourself, trying a new art form, starting a new project or business or relationship. Figuring out what your most comfortable, optimal pace is feels critical to me. And powerful. And worthy of exploration in future posts.

In the meantime, I want to share a cool pacing trick I learned a few weeks ago during a conversation with my friend, Annika Martins (who is, conveniently, a kickass life-business coach). I was telling her that while I thrive on being busy, juggling multiple projects with multiple deadlines and having always a little more to do than feels manageable, I do periodically hit a wall. Overwhelm becomes panic, panic becomes burnout. I was asking her about time off, how often she thought I should take it, whether unplugging for a week each quarter seemed like too much to her, and she said, “I think you should take time off every day.”

I laughed. She wasn’t kidding.

She said I should set aside time every day that is absolutely just for me. “It might be 5 minutes or it might be 4 hours, but however long or short it is, that time is for you to fill however you want to.” I asked her, “What if I want to fill that time with work?” and she said, “The only rule is that it has to be a conscious decision, driven by nothing other than what you most want to do right now.” (Translation: I see your resistance, j, and I raise you my totally rational, inarguable logic.)

So I did it. That day, I read Yoga Journal for twenty minutes. The next day, I wrote about my childhood. The one after that, I planted padron pepper seeds in the backyard. Every day, I’ve done something in a block of time that is just for me, and I feel better, more grounded, less frustrated and, oddly, more productive.

I don’t think the important thing is how I fill the time, it’s how I go into it – fully conscious that it’s mine, that for 5 minutes, or 20 minutes, or an hour, I’m doing exactly what I want to do, no justification necessary.

It’s a tiny thing, really. So tiny and simple that I can’t imagine why I didn’t think of it on my own before this, but I didn’t. I wanted to share it in case you hadn’t thought of it either.

Got thoughts on pacing? A suggestion for my daily block of j-time? Sanity-saving tricks of your own? I’d love to hear them.

The whole big, beautiful, ridiculous idea

In December, 2010, I write an email to my friend. I tell him I have this crazy idea: a year-long project during which I will consciously, unabashedly dedicate myself to spreading love. I tell him all about the coffee shop text, the way it affected me, how it stayed with me for days. I tell him how kindness begets kindness, love begets love. I tell him, damn it, the world needs more kindness and love, and I don’t care if I sound like a song lyric.

(I am lying. I do care. Half of me is alive and humming with the possibility of launching a big, ridiculously hopeful year-long project… the other half is embarrassed by my own enthusiasm. I compensate for my inner dissonance by typing faster.)

I tell my friend that the world is too full of cynicism and snark, and that I can’t imagine a more worthy use of my time and energy than to spend one year actively attempting to counterbalance the ugliness. It’ll be my act of rebellion, I say, my stab at something truly beautiful in the face of the world’s unbelievable cruelty, its violence, intolerance and raging indifference.

And that’s when the cynic inside me saunters out of the shadows of my reptilian brain function and up into my frontal lobes like she owns the place. “Really, j?” she says, her voice dripping disdain. “A love project? How… adorable.”

I stop writing. I stare at the screen, at my blinking cursor, my exuberant note (typed at lightning speed in the hopes of outrunning the very voice that’s addressing me now), and I imagine my friend reading my words, the smile spreading across his face, the shake of his head, the (affectionate) roll of his eyes.

In that moment, my face burns. I feel intensely sappy, embarrassingly earnest. My finger hovers over the X that will make my message – and this whole big, beautiful, ridiculous idea – disappear.

~ From The Fearless Love Essays (which will be available in June if it kills me!)

~~~~~

Last week, in a piece for Fear Of Writing titled “Getting Personal,” I talked about why I’ve felt myself more and more drawn to “the fearlessness of writers telling their own stories, as openly, as honestly, as nakedly as they know how,” and why I decided to write The Love Essays. If you haven’t stopped by, please do. Corny as it sounds, I’m sentimental about sharing the piece with you… the Love Project started right here, after all, with you guys urging me on.

~~~~~

Recently, I read a collection of essays by a young writer named Chloe Caldwell. Her work is fearless and tender and arresting, and as I read her book, Legs Get Led Astray, I wondered how different my life would be if I’d dived into writing when it first tugged me, way back in elementary school, instead of decades later, in my thirties, when I returned to college and found my feeble, barely beating writer’s heart in a creative writing class. I can’t imagine where Chloe will be at my age, many years (and hopefully many books) from now, but she infuses me with hope when I read her words… hope for girls, for young artists, for brave-head-on-unfiltered-straight-through-the-heart love.

I interviewed Chloe for Used Furniture Review and she was just as bold and quirky and wonderful as I thought she’d be. I hope you’ll go read us.

~~~~~

I keep meeting cool people on Facebook. If we haven’t met there, we should.
xo

The AIS trick, that inspiring moment of abject terror, and the best thing to do with duct tape

I’m starting something new here, and I’m really excited about it. It’s called The Creativity Questions and my idea is this: I will periodically hypnotize invite kickass creatives (writers, musicians, artists, photographers) to answer five questions about the decidedly tawdry mating habits of fruit bats creativity. The questions will always be the same, but the answers, of course, will be different every time (and fun and funny and insightful and honest).

My first victim interviewee is short story author, novelist, and award-winning poet, Annie Neugebauer (@AnnieNeugebauer). Annie has work appearing or forthcoming in over two dozen venues, including The Spirit of Poe, Underneath the Juniper Tree, the British Fantasy Society journal Dark Horizons, and the National Federation of State Poetry Societies’ prize anthology Encore. She’s also a member of the Horror Writers Association, vice president of the Denton Poets’ Assembly, and president of the North Branch Writers’ Critique Group. You can visit her at www.AnnieNeugebauer.com for blogs, creative works, free organizational tools for writers, and more.

(Editor’s note: Annie is also wicked smart and very funny. Wait ’till you see.)

~~~~~

j: Life is demanding. What are your tricks for getting into a creative space?

Annie: At the risk of taking every last drop of romance out of writing, I am a big proponent (and pretty strict adherent) of daily word count goals. To borrow a phrase from the TV show “Everybody Loves Raymond,” I practice AIS – Ass In Seat – every single workday, five days a week.

That probably isn’t what you were hoping for, is it? But honestly, that really is my best trick for getting into the mood to create. I firmly believe that creativity is a muscle, and like any other muscle, it gets bigger and stronger with use, just like cardiac endurance. The more regularly you jog, the easier it is to jog the next time – and the further you can go. If you sit around waiting for the mood to go running to hit you, you might only do it once every few weeks. But if you make it a regular occurrence, committing to run whether you feel like it or not, you might just find that once you start, you get in the mood.

My point is that I don’t sit around and wait to feel creative. A muse – whether you believe in the concept of divine inspiration or just think it’s a cute way to describe your own brain function – can be trained to make a regular appearance. Some days I don’t think she’ll show up, but you’ll still find me AIS, typing away. Because even if I don’t *think* I feel creative, something unexpected might come out. What if I never sit down and try? This way, my “muse” knows where to meet me: at my desk, every single day, AIS.

j: What’s the weirdest thing that inspires you?

Annie: Well, when people hear I’m a poet and literary fiction writer, I think most of them probably assume I’m inspired by long walks in the woods, passionate lovemaking, the soft fur of a kitten’s belly, and global injustices. And don’t get me wrong; sometimes I do get inspired by those things.

But I’m also a horror writer. (Yes, even horror poetry.) And by far the weirdest thing that gets my creativity cranking is good old-fashioned terror. You know that moment when you’re alone in your house because your spouse or roommate is gone and you’re getting ready for bed? That strange sort of eeriness that you try to pretend you don’t notice? And you shut the bedroom door behind you so no one can come in after you, which is silly, but you tell yourself that’s not why you did it. But then you have to close your eyes to bend over the sink and wash your face. And there’s one moment, right after you stand up and towel off, when you open your eyes and look in the mirror and are almost sure someone will be standing right behind you.

That’s the moment I hope for. That feeling, like waking up from a nightmare, must be the weirdest thing that inspires me.

j: How do you deal with critics?

Annie: Two words: Voodoo dolls.

Just kidding. (Kind of.) In reality, I surround myself with supportive people. I regularly receive feedback, but I think learning to deal with critique is a whole different ballgame than learning to deal with criticism. Critique is invited and helpful, whereas criticism is uninvited and hurtful. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone criticize my actual work (at least not right to my face), although I do sometimes get snide remarks about my career choice. I’ve found, though, that people will generally use your own evaluation of yourself to guide theirs. So once I learned how to be confident and take pride in what I do, people began treating me accordingly.

The only outward critics I can think of are rejections. And although rejection is a necessary part of every writer’s life, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Rejections hurt like hell! What I’ve learned to do, though, is to see rejections as hierarchical instead of binary. A “no” isn’t just a “no.” It’s a sign-post telling me how close I am to acceptance. A form rejection might mean a project needs a lot of work. A personalized rejection might mean it only needs to find a more suitable home. And a personal note with recommendations and/or an explanation means I’m almost there. In short, I think of rejections as progress meters for my work, not an indication of personal value.

And when I feel down, I try to remind myself this: the fact that I’m getting rejections at all means that I’m actively putting myself out there, which is something to be proud of.

j: What energizes you, solitude or engagement?

Annie: Solitude, definitely. I’m one of those people who no matter how much fun I’m having or how much I love the people I’m with, I breathe a sigh of relief when they’re gone. Being alone too much probably isn’t good for anybody, but I also don’t think being constantly active and surrounded by other people’s energy is good either. Balance is important, and different for every person, but in general, I find myself more refreshed after a weekend of easy solitude than by a weekend of exciting activity. Both are great, but solitude has power. When there’s no one else there to make you think, you think about what’s really on your mind, and that leads to ideas and inspiration. I believe many people don’t spend enough time alone in a dark, quiet place.

j: Glitter, trash, and an endless supply of duct tape: What will you make?

Annie: I’m imagining some sort of industrial cat tower made of those empty carpet tubes and discarded pieces of scrap wood, duct-taped with the sticky side facing out and covered in glitter. Maybe then I’d eventually have sparkly cats. And really, at that point, I’d pretty much have achieved everything I’ve ever wanted out of life.

Getting all grand and everything

I absolutely ADORE the idea of doing something in grand fashion. What would my day look like if I expected things to happen in a grand fashion? Or if I took steps to make them that way?
~ Havi Brooks, The Fluent Self

~~~~~

In the midst of some really exciting things, some of which will be unveiled here soon (in grand fashion, of course). Stay tuned!

In the meantime, feel free to tell me about your grand thing. Bonus points if it involves cheesecake, wine or a baby hedgehog.

(Or you can just say hi. I like that too.)

xo

Making stuff

Love…

A poem

A painting

A promise

A beautiful love-filled mess

A donkey

A piece of art

A moment

A wish

A memory

Somebody’s whole damn day….
jjj

What will you make today?

jcw

Our crunchy stories

I can’t decide which post I want to write – the one about perfectionism, the one about getting naked, or the one about handling criticism. All three have been on my mind lately, rumbling around in my brain, writing themselves in my head when I’m driving, or in the shower, or on the phone so I can’t stop easily to get my thoughts down on paper.

All three are on my mind now too, so rather than tease one out and shape it into a post, let’s talk about all three. I think they’re related anyway, the undercurrents of a creative life.

… On perfectionism

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and on my way to the bathroom, I thought this: the Love Essays don’t have to be perfect, they have to be honest; they have to be true. It was a reassuring thought, but I had to let it to go because waking up in the middle of the night is a dicey proposition for me. If I let my brain get started on even the tiniest of things, there’s a good chance I won’t be able to coax it back to sleep. Thinking about all the times when my desire to write something dazzling and masterful has prevented me from writing anything at all is a sure way to be up all night.

I was able to go back to sleep by telling myself I didn’t need to write a post on the dangers of perfectionism. I could just show you Robin Black’s piece, “Writer’s Block: On The Persistence of Demons” because it’s all about the stultifying effects of wanting to write (be, live) perfect.

… On getting naked

In writing the Love Essays, I’m attempting a literary nakedness that is new to me. It’s not that I’ve never dug deep before; I have. But it’s different pouring myself into a fictional piece. Writing fiction is like dancing naked… but doing it under all my clothes so only I know. Writing openly about my own experiences… that’s more like pole dancing in a strip joint under a white-hot spotlight.

In her inspiring post for Writer Unboxed, author Robin LaFevers says:

In order to take our writing to the next level we must embrace our strange, unique, and often embarrassing selves and write about the things that really matter to us. We need to be willing to peel our own layers back until we reach that tender, raw, voiceless place—the place where our crunchiest stories come from.

I think that’s right. I spend a lot of time feeling jagged and uncertain these days, wondering as I write what to put in, what to leave out, certain I’ve nailed it one minute and then just as certain the next that I’ve fallen short. I think that’s okay. I think that’s how it feels to be in the “tender, raw, voiceless place.”

… On handling criticism

Here’s the thing about “the next level.” It’s scary. That’s why it’s called “the next level.” If it weren’t scary and challenging and occasionally nauseating, we’d call it something innocuous like, “right over there” or “just over yonder.” Let’s face it, taking your art (work, relationship, life) “just over yonder” is way less frightening than taking it to “the next level.”

The next level is scary and, by definition, unfamiliar. So when you get criticized there, told that you’re doing it wrong or that you are (as your demons have said) not good enough, it’s tempting to want to jump back to the level you know. But don’t. It’s not about your critics. It’s not about what other people think you should or shouldn’t do. It’s about you and your own unquestionable, unstoppable, dogged evolution… that especially crunchy story only you can tell.

(It’s true that I wrote that last part for me, but I’m leaving it in just in case you need to be reminded too. And if you’re feeling stung by a critic or critics, read this from Tara Sophia Mohr about the nature of feedback; it’ll make you feel better.)